Saving a relationship after your partner has committed infidelity can be a difficult thing to do. But it is possible. Here are some tips to help you move on.
Face it head on.
Cheating can be a difficult thing to confront your partner with. After all, you want to trust them. If you suspect your partner of cheating, you have to confront them honestly and directly. You will only be able to move on from the issue of cheating once you've determined the level of unfaithfulness your partner has committed.
Don't try to "get back" at your partner by embarrassing them or cheating, or having an emotional affair.
You have every right to be angry and hurt, but doing something to retaliate for your partner's infidelity will not help you feel any better in the long run. Don't commit an act you'll one day regret.
Don't use your partner's past infidelity as a weapon going forward.
Forgiving your partner for cheating can be the most difficult thing you'll ever do. But it is key to moving on both in the relationship and from it. Remember, though, once you forgive your partner, you're not allowed to keep bringing up the issue. Live with the belief that your partner is working on the relationship as hard as you are. Bringing up the past for no good reason (even when you're angry and hurt) will only serve to hinder you both from moving forward.
Fix any relationship issues that may have led to the infidelity.
Cheating is wrong, let's be clear about that. Sometimes one partner's affairs may have more to do with their own character flaws than with issues in the relationship. Some people are cheaters, plain and simple. But if this is not the case in your relationship, you need to come to terms with underlying issues between the two of you. Seek professional help if you need to. Without doing this step, you will likely continue with a relationship that is rocky at best.
Work on rebuilding your relationship by taking part in activities that helped bring you close in the beginning.
Get back to the roots of why you fell in love. Go on dates again! Participate in activities that help you be a team. Surround yourself with friends who support your relationship.
Make sure the affair has ended.
A promise that your partner will end the affair is not the same as truly ending it. Be clear on the fact that in order to continue with the relationship, your partner must have already ended the affair and will not engage in another one. No compromises on this one.
The copyright of the article After the Affair in Dating Advice is owned by Cherie Burbach. Permission to republish After the Affair in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
That's not enough, I cheated after my husband cheated and it hurt me at
first but then I started to enjoy hurting him and yes it hurt him but we
still love eachother but were apart now where do we go from here?
Sep 26, 2008 4:28 PM
Guest :
my bf has cheated on me 4 times, and each time i forgave him. Everytime i
forgive him, he seems to do it again after he promises me he will not do it
again. i love him so much and do anything for him. Everyone agrees that he
treats me wrong, but he says he loves me. we have just gotton back together
after a few months apart. he keeps meeting up with his ex's and he knows it
hurts my feelings. he just says i dont trust him, can you blame me? then
tonight he took a walk in the late evening with his drunk ex. what am i
ment to think. im so confused atm, i just wanna be happy with him and i now
dont know what to do. Do i give up and be unhappy and ruin my education, or
keep with it and see what happens this time, like ive done every single
time. he says hes changed? has he
Oct 1, 2008 5:46 AM
Guest :
no sweetie he has not and will not change. He obviously does not value you
or he would not continue to hurt you. He has learned his bad behavior will
be tolerated and like a dog when there are no consequenses to bad behavior
there is no motivation to change it.
Nov 3, 2008 8:22 PM
Guest :
I agree, he has not learned. Run for the door. Those are all signs of
more pain to come. I have been in his shoes. He will cheat again.
Nov 15, 2008 9:48 AM
Guest :
me and my bf have both cheated on each other 4 times, ive always done it
first, so my friends say its just to get bk at me!! but if you love sumone
how can u cheat?? weve been together 2 years on and off now, and we are now
engaged his way of showing me hes changed but i just cant get over the
parroinier i dont even trust him wen hes at work or ment to be at home..
but i reali want to make this work
Nov 19, 2008 11:27 AM
Guest :
I'm confuse not sure what to think. My bf and I been together for 11 yrs
we have two beautifull young boys a 3yrs and 1yr old. The first year we
started together he cheated on me, i forgave and never talked about it
again. Now I have a bad feeling is doing it again. His a trucker and on
the road all week. I found that he was texting a girl the way he shouldn't
of been and told me he was just joking with her, and now her number is on
his cell bill.. I want to confront him with it but now sure how to do so..
don't want to bring the past back, but i feel like i have no choice. What
should I do?
Dec 4, 2008 7:45 PM
Guest :
I just found out my boyfriend has been calling other girls from his phone
bills. he has called these two girls only around 6 times in the past 3
months and each time has been after we have a fight. he is on a trip right
now and he's getting back in 5 days. i have been confused and devastated
for the past 2 weeks trying to figure out what to do. but one thing i have
learned from this and talking to my mother and my friends is that when your
partner knows that you need him and that no matter what you're not gona be
able to leave him, he will take advantage of it. you should always let your
boyfriend know that as soon as he makes one mistake you WILL leave him. he
needs to know that you dont need him to survive. this was the mistake i
made with my boyfriend. i always told him im not going anywhere and that i
dont want to be with anybody else ever. so now, when he gets back in 5 days
i plan on breaking up with him and not answering any of his calls until he
cries the same amount of tears i cried. and after that, depending on how
things go, maybe we'll work on our relationship, but trust me, this time,
things are going to be alot different.
Dec 10, 2008 8:15 AM
Guest :
My Boyfriend almost cheated on me but didnt go through with it. I just am
not sure what to do he seem sincerly sorry and is hurting as much as i am.
I found a condom in his back pocket while i was doing laundry and when i
called him he admitted to it right away and said he wasnt gunna lie about
it. I want to make this work i just dont know if ill ever trust him again
im very confused please help
Dec 12, 2008 9:58 AM
Guest :
i am in a similar situation, except its my girlfriend. i felt as if
something was wrong, just didnt know exactly what it was, that is until i
asked to use her phone. she refused. she said that i couldnt see the phone
because she was planning some sort of surprise for my birthday and didnt
want it to be ruined. i told her that i was now very suspicious, and the
situation escalated, it was clear to me that she was trying to hide
something. so after finally getting her to give up the phone i quickly went
through the messages. i found in the inbox a picture from another guy
shirtless. then i quickly went to the sent messages, where i found that she
had sent him a picture of her but wearing only underwear. the guy is one of
her sisters friends. she swears to me that all happened is that he once
while leaving her sisters house leaned in and gave her a kiss, and that she
did not kiss back. i dont know what to believe as that she lied to me down
to the point i opened the message, saying that it was from one of her
girlfriends. i very much love her and want to fix things and she says that
she is sorry. what do i do?? How can i even trust her, how do i know she
did not have sex with this guy since she was so willing to lie to me
before? she promises that she cut off all communication with him but how do
i know if this is true? one thing she told me i believe is that this
started the day before thanksgiving, did i possibly catch it before any
real damage happened? please someone help me i am in a world of pain.
Dec 18, 2008 2:36 PM
Guest :
I Don't think what ever I do could help me ever forget and forgive what
the father of my son put me through while I was having his son . He still
denies it to this day and the baby is already one yrs old. But I still love
him.
Dec 24, 2008 7:21 AM
Guest :
my boyfriend cheated on me a week or so ago. he was drunk and blacked out
is what he says. its hard to believe anything because i feel so hurt, but i
love him. but i hate him at the same time. i just feel numb. and its guna
be hard because im guna be paranoid and always thinking about where he is.
drinking is guna have to stop. he has a problem. its just horrible. i want
things to go back to normal but i know things can never be. thats something
that cant be taken back.
Dec 27, 2008 6:25 PM
Guest :
Ya so my husband deployed back in march 08 and almost immediatly he started
questioning my faithfullness. time passed and things just got worse, so i
ventured out and gave him something to not trust me, i knew it was wrong
and told him as soon as it happened, since then nothing even close has
happened, i no longer talk to the guy and have commited myself to my
husband 100%. he tells me he forgives me but then brings it up all the
time, then he tells me that 2 years ago he cheated on me with my sister!!
(now my sister is a different story) but i told him it was in the past and
we can move foward. we do so well, but if there is any discrepancy in
anything that i tell him that i am doing in the day, and what i actually
do, its an interigation. i have told him several times that that was the
only thing i did and he keeps looking for some crazy story that is not
there. how long does it take to heal? i tried taking the advise above and i
forgave and forgot, but how long will it take him? and when he gets back,
will it be great till he deploys again? Also..... the army is not helping
becuase they drill into thier heads that everyday thier spouses are out
with another man just giving it out like nothing, so thats not helping...
has anyone else gone thru this??? please help!
Dec 28, 2008 4:37 AM
Guest :
my fiance has been cheating on me for over a month. he said that it was an
emotional affair and not a physical affair. i am not sure what to believe.
i told him that we can start fresh but it is so hard to deal with. my
emotions are so mixed right now. i want to cry half of the times and other
times i want to get even. i have been cheated on before in a 8 year
relationship and i was able to walk away from it but this time it is so
much harder. i have the girls phone number. i just keep thinking should i
call her? or just let it go.
Dec 28, 2008 7:11 PM
Guest :
I cheated on my bf by taking a picture kissing a ex. How will he ever
forgive me/? Can it be fixed. It' meant nothing. I can't explain why i did
it...
Jan 3, 2009 4:51 AM
Guest :
i started dating my girlfriend a year new years eve 2007, i cheated two
months later when i barely knew her and wasnt in love.. I wanted to keep it
a secret cuz she was cool... As Months and months go by, i started to fall
for my girl, i put that one unfaithful night behind me as if it were a
dream.... i fell in love with her.... so it was a year exactly when the
girl i cheated with told her... only a few days ago.. My girl loves me and
i love her but she's very confused right now... do i let her go, do i
derserve her.. im lost
Jan 20, 2009 5:29 PM
Guest :
I was caught "cheating" on my boyfriend of over a year. After he
had dumped me and I went to a friend's house(that was a guy)and after he
comforted me we ended up having sex. My boyfriend and I got back together.A
month later he was looking through my e-mails and found a message about it.
I do not know what to do. I don't want to give my boyfriend up. I have
stopped the relationship w. the other guy right away and we aren't talking
at all. I want my boyfriend back but I don't know how? HELP!!!!
Jan 20, 2009 5:37 PM
Guest :
I was caught "cheating" on my boyfriend of over a year. After he
had dumped me and I went to a friend's house(that was a guy)and after he
comforted me we ended up having sex. My boyfriend and I got back together.A
month later he was looking through my e-mails and found a message about it.
I do not know what to do. I don't want to give my boyfriend up. I have
stopped the relationship w. the other guy right away and we aren't talking
at all. I want my boyfriend back but I don't know how? HELP!!!!
Jan 20, 2009 5:42 PM
Guest :
I was caught "cheating" on my boyfriend of over a year. After he
had dumped me and I went to a friend's house(that was a guy)and after he
comforted me we ended up having sex. My boyfriend and I got back together.A
month later he was looking through my e-mails and found a message about it.
I do not know what to do. I don't want to give my boyfriend up. I have
stopped the relationship w. the other guy right away and we aren't talking
at all. I want my boyfriend back but I don't know how? HELP!!!!
Feb 22, 2009 7:57 AM
Guest :
Well, if you cheated on your boyfriend and he found out about the affair.
Then, remember you will need to buildup the trust in your relationship.
That is going to be so difficult for both of you. You need to delete all
emails from the boyfriend that was comforting you. That is what guys say
all the time let me comfort you and then you end up having sex with them.
You need to get comfort from your priest,mother,father,brother or sister or
good friend that is female.
Feb 22, 2009 8:04 AM
Guest :
All those guys and chicks that cheat will never change. They will still be
a cheater. My son's girlfriend cheated on her other boyfriend with my son.
Then she dumped her old bf so my son and her could be a couple. Then low
and behold she moves out and goes to another guy house for comforting.
Yeah! My son cried for over 5 days straight and was unable to eat due to
the breakup. Then they get back together so she has to punish him but
hitting him on the arm 27 times and his arms are really bruised up. He
says that he is an abused husband. Now tell me what to do with that one.
Feb 23, 2009 9:52 AM
Guest :
My husband cheated on me last October and we are trying to work though it.
I truly believe he is sorry and won't do it again but I can't stop thinking
about it and bringing it up. What do I do? How do I move on?
May 25, 2009 6:09 AM
Guest :
Have been friends with my bf for 4 years, and have only been dating for 5
months. I was aware of a girl he was very keen on when we were just mates,
but she treated him appallingly. I encouraged him t stop seeing her, just
when we were mates, as no one needs friends like that. Now I know that they
are chatting regulary through facebook, though he hasn't told me this, a
friend mentioned it to me. I feel like I don't want to be paranoid cos I
have been cheated on twice before, but he practically dragged me away when
we bumped into her, and he smells of perfume that isn't mine. Want another
perspective if poss, thanks!
May 30, 2009 9:40 PM
Guest :
While I believe that me and my bf which I know for almost 15 years have not
a good relationship, and always thought for separation, we still ended up
married and having a child together. He has cheated me previously, and I
cared less since I wanted our relationship to end at all the times. Lately,
I just found out his new developed obsession for having new dates with any
thing that flies around. I decided for divorce lastly, but he is begging my
for forgiveness. Unfortunately, in the mean time I am trying to get over an
very strong infatuation, which is totally nonsense I know, which started a
year ago. We haven't have any physical contact. but I see him every day and
I get sick any time I see him. And I even don't want to go in a
relationship with him, because I know he has a gf, and I told him that in
the message, which I think turned him down. any thought someone how
can I get over this infatuation while my marriage is not working? Should I
forgive my husband again? I have lost trust though.???
Jun 16, 2009 2:14 AM
Guest :
my boyfriend was cheating on me 2 months ago and that woman is pregnant
now.he is saying he love me and want to b wth me,he is saying it was a
mistake...i am still wth him,but screaming and crying every time i c
him...we still dont know if she is going to keep it or no...he was
cheating,but he keeps asking me,if i am meeting somebody...i think he is
just too sure i will b always here for him,but i cant anymore...feels like
he is taking an advantage of me...i dont know what to do...my hearth is
saying to b wth him,but my brain shouts:run away!!!i am so unhappy and
depressed.:-(((
Jul 7, 2009 9:03 AM
Guest :
I've recently cheated on my boyfriend of 2 and a half years while on my
senior trip. I feel completely horrible about the situation and i would do
anything in my power to take it back. I love him so much and i cant believe
that i hurt him like that. he didn't do anything to deserve it. He has
forgiven me to some extent but sometimes has these "attacks"
where he drills me with questions and insults. I try to take it as best as
possible because i know that i deserve it, but i just want to make things
better again. I can't take this roller coaster ride anymore. I love him so
much and i want to be with him for the rest of my life. What can i do to
make this better?
Jul 17, 2009 5:12 PM
Guest :
I have cheated on my wife 4 times and she has forgave me everytime. I am
seeking help now but i think it maybe to late. I truely love my wife but
my action speak different. I know i can change i know i can I just need
some help. she has said she is filing papers, she comes home late, she is
short with me but i know she loves me and want to be with me but I have
hurt her so bad. This is her 3rd marriage and my first can we save this.
we have been married for 7years. I really love my wife I need help I want
to fix this anyone.
Aug 2, 2009 12:20 AM
Guest :
I having problems with my girl and i really need some help from anybody
reading this. well i got back with my girl and we were both really happy.
Well she got in my myspace n saw i message i wrote and it said " yea
she forgot all bout me, she got over me," but dat waz when we were not
goin out. But she also thinks i like someone else. well before i started
liking some other girl n my heart waz broken but it waz being fixed. but
somehow i got bakk with my girl and now shes really disappointed i me and
so confused now i just dont know what to do now. i did my best to make her
feel better but it didnt work. she tells me its gunna take alot to convince
her. i dnt know what to do now. please could someone help me because im
suffering to much right now.
Aug 13, 2009 3:21 PM
Guest :
I recently found out that my husband cheated on me while I was away. Of
course he didn't say anything and when I asked him about the woman his
expression change. He couldn't find the right words. He was trying to tell
me she was just a person he was...,didn't get a chance to finish when I
showed him the e-mails. Of course I'm hurt with all of this, but he has
said that he is very sorry about it and that I didn't deserve what he did.
How can I forgive him when after he tried to hide it? Was only sorry 'cause
he got caught. What do I do from here? I gave him everything he needed,
what else is there for me to give? He wants to work things out and change
our marriage for the best, but I'm not sure what I want especially since
I'm not even mad he cheated. it's just the excuse he gave me for doing it.
Do I make him do things for me and keep me extremely happy? or do I crush
him? Is there something wrong with me?
Sep 3, 2009 8:43 AM
Guest :
i moved in with my boyfriend 3months ago and things got a little strained
to the point where he cheated on me. He went out with a friend and while he
was out I collapsed and got taken into hospital...my friend had text him
saying that i was getting taken back to my families house after the
hospital. Instead of coming to see me he took another girl back to our
flat, had sex with her for three hours in the morning in our bed...and it
was my birthday! To make matters worse I knew her...my friend used to go to
school with her. That same morning he came to see me and after an
hour or so broke down and told me what he had done. I'm not sure what
to think. I know it was just that one time and I can see he is genuinely
sorry but I just can't get it out of my head. I want to be able to forgive
and forget but I'm not sure if i can even though I love him with all my
heart. I can't bear the thought of touching him right now as he is covered
with bite marks and scratch marks from her! He is doing everything to
try and show me how sorry he is. For me it isn't just the cheating
part...its the fact that it was on my birthday of all days...while i was
ill and he lied a lot about the details of that day...so much so i had to
find out what really happened from her!
Could you forgive
someone for doing that?
Sep 16, 2009 11:20 AM
Guest :
My girlfriend cheated on me & then denied it was cheating, she claimed
we were broken up for those 3 hours, each time. She equates fighting with
breaking up. I did dump her when I found out about the cheating, in that
time she slept with her abusive ex. We met and spent the night together
later and she went on a date the next night, all the while telling me how
sorry she was and how she wanted to get together. We still see each other
but not exclusively. I know once a cheater, always a cheater, she will
never change. If you bf/gf/wife/husband has cheated leave. They will never
change. If you forgive them for the cheating & you stay together they
will just think you are stupid and cheat on you again. ALWAYS LEAVE A
CHEATER, THERE IS NO LIFE AFTER CHEATING.
Oct 5, 2009 8:24 AM
Guest :
To the Guest who posted on Sept 3rd, You asked "Could you forgive
someone for doing that?" and my answer is no. For the rest of my life,
my birthday will remind me again and again, what he did. Some will tell you
that you forget in time, but you are not invested in him that you should
wait. If you are not married to him and have no children with him, go find
yourself someone who will treasure you and run to your side when you fall
ill. Your boyfriend saw an opportunity and he took it. He used sex as a
method to avoid you and the problems and stresses of your relationship. You
have no reason to believe he won't do this to you again. I speak from
experience. My husband hid from the stresses of our marriage with sex. He
waited 9 years to tell me the truth. He had sex with two of his co workers
through two of my three pregnancies. I could not find forgiveness and I
divorced him. Unfortunately I have to deal with him daily because of the
children. My advice is get out while you can, if you can. He will not
change.
Oct 5, 2009 8:52 AM
Guest :
I'm sure you have heard the expression " what comes around, goes
around ", well I sure got what I deserved! I met a married man in
college. We had an affair. His wife was pregnant at the time, but that
didn't interest me, I thought I found love. This was special, something
worth breaking all the rules for. Who cares what others will think, this is
not worth walking away from. I always thought this one would break my
heart, I never expected him to leave her. Well he did leave her and we
married. After 12 years of marriage he told me that he had slept with 2
other women while we were married and 2 different women before we were
married but while he was still married to wife #1 and having an affair with
me! He has come to a crossroad in his life, where he needs everything out
in the open for him to continue. It was all too much for me. I often think
of telling his first wife that she was lucky, she got out when she did. He
was messing around through 2 out of the 3 pregnancies I had. Why did I
think I would be any different? Why didn't I see him for who he really is?
My children are the only reason why I must endure daily contact with him. I
have divorced him but it doesn't help the pain. To all those who can walk
away from a relationship before it becomes part of your permanent life and
involves children, I offer these words of wisdom.....it may seem impossible
but there is a tomorrow. Enter your tomorrow without having to question the
loyalty and trustworthiness of the one you love. You deserve more. You
deserve better. You deserve someone who lives to make you happy not someone
who lives to make it up to you. Be strong enough to leave now, there is
love out there. This is not the love you deserve. Go find it.
Oct 16, 2009 11:54 AM
Guest :
I have been with my bf for 6 yrs,i have cheated on him a lot of times, i do
love him, but i feel that its an addiction, he does not know about me
cheating on him but i feel so guilty all the time.. should i tell him..
Oct 16, 2009 5:42 PM
Guest :
Im with a guy who is very sweet and very thoughtful but i dont know what to
do all my friends keep telling me he is cheating but i never believed them
until i looked at my friends phone and saw what he said to an other girl.
and it was everything he has said to me and i dont know what to do or say
to him everytime he just says hes going to change and he hasnt and wont but
i love him so much
Oct 20, 2009 8:57 AM
Guest :
IVE Been with my girlfriend for a year and some months now and i cheated on
her but i never did anything wit the girls but 2 and i jus kissed them..
she kissed a boy and she let him fill her up.. i really love her and want
her bak how do i get her to start talking to me again and how do i fix what
i messed up? i really need help wit this
Oct 28, 2009 1:30 AM
Guest :
if someone cheats on you more than once after being caught out and
desperate for forgiveness they will never change. i have been cheated
on way too many times. 6 weeksAfter the birth of my second
daughter.aparently there wasnt enough bedroom action...many other
times,also blamed on bedroom action and most recently while my son was ill
in hospital he got another woman pregnant.....not ever would he change .he
always blamed me and has never taken responsibility.Emotional abuse is the
way i see it all and many times have i wished him dead.I would love to just
get him completly out of my life as still to this day he is controling me
AND spying on me.I fiond it a great shame i had 3 children with somebody
who i regard as dirt on my shoe.
