The end of a relationship can be a profound experience of loss. Whether it was by choice or not, the period of time immediately following a split is almost universally painful and confusing. Applying the stages of grief to the experience of a break-up can help. Denial is a normal part of the grieving process.
Merriam-Webster defines denial as:
- Refusal to admit the truth
- Negation in logic: a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality
- Refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant
While there is no hard and fast rule that applies to everyone many people experience the stages of grief after the end of a relationship. It may feel like that person has died and life is expected to go on in a new direction. According to psychoanalyst Charles Brenner’s synopsis of Waelder’s famous hypothesis of denial, when that expectation becomes overwhelming, denial and fantasy act as a normal mental defense.
When Denial Helps
Denial can act as a powerful coping mechanism. Because the pain of grief can be unbearable at times, taking energy away from work, friends and family – delaying the acceptance of loss through denial can be a relief. Like salve on a wound, denial can take the edge off and make the work day bearable.
After a break up, there may be moments of absentmindedness – a part of denial. For example, the idea to call the ex-boyfriend and tell him, “You won’t believe what just happened!” pops up just an instant before the realization that calling is no longer an option. There is no sense in feeling guilty when lingering on such thoughts brings comfort. Denial fantasies can be an imaginative escape.
When there is a desire to get back together, denial fantasies may run amuck. It is not uncommon to spend time daydreaming reunion scenarios, concocting self-improvement schemes, imagining "what-ifs" and the like. This behavior is a normal response to psychological stress according to psychoanalysis.
When Denial Hurts
Accepting denial fantasies as a useful coping mechanism is important. However, it is another thing entirely to get stuck in denial. Beyond denial, there are other phases of grief that follow a break up: anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Understanding the complexities of these emotions helps with the healing process.
Fantasies are not psychic predictions. They are the brain’s clever way of avoiding the painful reality of loss. Obsessive, delusional and dangerous behavior like Jennifer Jason Leigh's character in Single White Female is something else entirely. It is important to talk to friends and family, and seeking professional advice when feelings become overwhelming.
Embrace the Power of Denial
While there is a risk of getting carried away, embracing denial fantasies as a healthy part of the grieving process may provide relief from the pain of a broken heart. Escaping into imaginative daydreaming can help people survive the work day while the shock of breaking up is still fresh.
Resources
Guttman, Samuel (editor). Psychoanalysis: Observation, Theory, Application: Selected Papers of Robert Waelder. New York: International Universities Press. 1976.
Beattie, Melody. The Grief Club: The Secret to Getting Through All Kinds of Change. Hazelden Publishing & Educational Services. 2006.
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