Dating After Divorce

Develop the Mind Set to Move On

May 1, 2008 Cherie Burbach

How to date again after the break up of a marriage.

Dating at any stage of life can be a challenge, but when you’ve recently re-entered the singles market after a long marriage, it can be particularly tough. After all, the dating world changes as time goes on. New technology is introduced, people approach courtship differently, and the status of “being single” takes on a whole new meaning.

Before jumping into the dating pool, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Take Time to Get Over the Breakup

You may be eager to meet new people, especially if your marriage was a long and difficult one. But before you enter the singles scene, make sure you allow time to heal. Married people often do activities that their spouse is into. Over time, you may even forget what you really like and don’t like. Give yourself time to adjust to being single by enjoying activities alone again.

Dating Is Not Therapy

Too often newly divorced singles want to talk about their pain with the new people they date. The problem is, of course, that when you first meet someone you have to get to know them. Only then should you get in to the details of your marriage and any painful memories.

When you do go on the first few dates, try to keep the conversation in the present. It’s perfectly acceptable to talk about how long you were married, why you left, and what you’re looking for now in a relationship. But make sure your put a positive spin on your story and don’t belabor the point.

Practice First Date Conversation

The ability to converse easily is the single-most useful thing you’ll take with you when you go on a date. If you’re nervous and think you might be stumped for what to say, practice good first date conversation with a friend. Then, when you’re on your date, put yourself in the mindset that you’re talking with your pal, rather than someone you've just met.

Acknowledge Your Fear, But Date Anyway

It’s natural to be fearful of dating again, especially when you’ve been away from it for a good number of years. New methods of meeting people, such as online and speed dating, may seem frightening if you’ve never experienced them before.

Allow yourself the feelings of apprehension that will come after your divorce, because they are perfectly natural. However, remember that every dater out there feels that way too, from time to time. Don’t let fear hold you back from getting out and meeting people.

Embrace Dating as an Adventure

Attitude means a lot in the dating world. It’s more important than experience, wealth, or looks. You may not have planned to be a divorced single at this time in your life, but remember you are not alone. Embrace this new life you are about to embark on, and all the positive aspects that accompany it.

When you meet new people, remember that being happy is the most important gift you can give yourself. Seek out encouraging relationships that will build you up rather than tear you down. Don’t settle for anything less.

The copyright of the article Dating After Divorce in Dating is owned by Cherie Burbach. Permission to republish Dating After Divorce in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

Date Again Without Fear

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May 12, 2008 2:04 PM

Guest :

Hello. My name is Jeff.

On Jan 4th my wife initiated. On April 28th it was final. 27 1/2 years of marrage gone just like that. I mourned and had incredible support. I looked at online dating weeks later but didn't sign up until the day before my divorce was final. Someone contacted me. She was local, attractive and wrote with a sense of humor. We emailed, then spoke on the phone ( I was so scared ), then met ( I was petrified ).

She's been divorced for 4 1/2 years. When she found out I was only divorced for a week, she said "But you sound so normal." I replied, " That's because I am normal". She decided to meet me anyway to see if there was chemistry.

We met for coffee. 3 1/2 hours later we said good night. She kissed me. (Yup, there was chemistry. First first kiss in almost 30 years.) She was wonderful and all I could think about for days. BUT..I played it cool. Contacted her mostly by email since and once by phone to set a date for Sat. Night.

Not being clingy. Not desparate. Not pushy. Just interested. Trying not to let my imagination run away with me. ( I figure that's because I'm really not ready to date ). Stay away from the mirage. Keep it real. Take it slow.

Sex. I can't think about sex right now. That's a whole new issue. It's not body image. It's just to soon for me.

Anyway,when we talked we didn't talk to much about our ex's. But I find that when you do talk about you ex, talk with compassion. You'll look good.

Example: My kids are in their 20's. They are angry at their mother for being weird and selfish not to mention the divorce and having a new boy friend within a week after the separation. ( Yeah that parts a no brainer ). My response to them was, that all of this will someday be just an old memory so don't do or say anything you will never be able to take back. Not to mention she is your Mother.

My date thought that was amazing. Don't forget she's a mother too so don't remind her of her ex husband. Be nice, be yourself.

None of this has made the fear go away. Most likely because it's to soon for me to date anyway, but I'm here. All I can do is take it slow and if I can't get rid of the fear, take it with me without sharing.

Good luck to us all.


Jeffrey

Oct 6, 2008 4:40 AM

Guest :

Jeff,
You are so normal. I have been trying to date. I get 1st dates, couple of emails and text. then I freak. Its been 2 years since divorce. I think I still am not ready to date? Am scared of letting go again.

Jul 21, 2009 8:53 PM

Guest :

wow jeff that is some interresting things you said, i just finished my first date tonight, it has ben almost 2 years since i been on one. Yes i was feeling scared all night as if being out of touch with society, how will it turn out? only time will tell. Gerald

3 Comments