Dating More Than One Person at a Time?
Should You Tell Your Dates They aren’t the Only Ones?
Oct 22, 2008
You’ve decided to date several people, and you’re having a great time. Should you let the people you’re seeing know that you're dating other people? It's one of the challenges of casual dating, and you’re not sure what to do. What if you don’t tell them and they find out? But telling them seems complicated, and you don’t want to spoil things. If you say something, how would you go about it?
The Debate
- Don’t Tell: I like my privacy. Tell: Unless you’re dating in a closet, others will see you.
- Don’t Tell: I’ll take my chances. Tell: You’re also chancing that you’ll offend someone.
- Don’t Tell: It’s none of their business. Tell: By dating these people, you’re making it their business. By not telling them the truth, you’re implying that you don’t value honesty.
- Don’t Tell: I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Tell: You’ll hurt them even more if they find out some other way.
- Don’t Tell: I don’t know how to admit it. Tell: Then read on for some ideas!
If the dialogue above didn’t convince you to tell, put yourself in the other person’s place. How might you feel if you started having feelings for someone, only to discover that your companion has other romantic interests? Telling prevents misleading. It keeps things in perspective by suggesting that you’re not ready to leap into a committed relationship. It slows down the pace and intensity of the dating process, but it doesn’t preclude a relationship from developing.
Approaches to Telling
A gentle approach is to drop comments. You might say, “I went to a great new restaurant with a date last week. Have you been there yet?” If asked to make plans on a Friday, you could mention that you have another date planned for that night and suggest another. Comment on the interesting men that a friend of yours is seeing, and mention that both you and your friend enjoy dating a variety of people.
Assess each person’s “hint-catching” skills to decide how heavy-handed your comments need to be. If you’re not sure, start with little hints; if they don’t work, kick them up a notch. If your companion seems oblivious, comments may not be enough, and you may have to follow up with a conversation.
It’s easiest to bring up this topic on a first date, but you can do it at any stage of dating. You can talk about how much you enjoy meeting different people and dating. Or you can ask what your date’s experiences have been. Either way, be direct and make sure your intentions are clear.
If you subscribe to an online dating site, such as Match.com or Yahoo! Personals, you can note this in your profile. You might write that you are looking to make new friends, that you are comfortable dating several people at once, or that you are not looking for exclusivity. Prospective dates will know your position up front.
The Payoff
Once you get in the practice of telling, it will become a natural part of date communication. You’ll avoid the drama of your dating partners potentially feeling led on. If you happen to run into one of the people you’re seeing while on a date, you’ll be far less embarrassed. Being honest about seeing other people will make life much less complicated in the long run. Remember, a lie of omission is still a lie.
