Friendships are great. Emotional affairs are trouble. Here are some guidelines to determine if you're having an inappropriate relationship.
Feelings of attraction:
Friendship:
Feelings for your friend are completely platonic. That means you are not attracted to your friend and couldn't imagine having sex with them.
Emotional affair:
You begin to have feelings of attraction for your friend. You wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch your friend.
Sharing inappropriate details of your relationship:
Friendship:
Your friend is a source of support, but you make it a point not to discuss the intricacies of your relationship.
Emotional affair:
When you begin to share intimate or hurtful details of your relationship with one particular friend of the opposite sex, you are in the beginning stages of an emotional affair. Every relationship has ups and downs, but by relaying personal information on your significant other you are also betraying his or her trust.
Longing for your friend instead of your partner:
Friendship:
You look forward to seeing your friend at work or out socially, but ultimately look forward to going home to your partner.
Emotional affair:
You spend more energy longing for your friend than you do your partner. When you're with your partner, you look forward to when you can get back to spending time with your friend.
Secrecy:
Friendship:
Your relationship with your friend is out in the open. Your partner knows when you meet for dinner and have lunch, and you are honest when asked how you two spent your time.
Emotional affair:
You tend to hide information on your friendship from your partner. You email or call each other in secret, and when asked how you two spent your time you have a tendency to lie.
Your friendship upsets your partner:
Friendship:
Your partner is supportive of spending time with your friend.
Emotional affair:
Something about your friendship bothers your partner, and when he or she asks you about it you get uncomfortable or defensive.
Your friend takes up your thoughts:
Friendship:
You daydream and fantasize about your new relationship, not your friend.
Emotional affair:
You dream and fantasize about your friend, not your new relationship.
You believe you'll always be closer to your friend than your partner:
Friendship:
Your friend knows you only too well, but you look forward to the day when your significant other will come to know your heart and soul even better.
Emotional affair:
You believe that no matter how great the new person in your life is, he or she will never be able to know you quite like your friend does.
You have feelings of jealousy when your friend finds love:
Friendship:
When your friend goes on a date, you are happy for them and hope they find their match.
Emotional affair:
You are jealous when your friend goes on a date. You find yourself hoping your friend will not find love and instead spend time with you.
The dangers of emotional affairs when you're dating:
Emotional affairs can be especially harmful to new relationships. When you've first started dating, things are tentative and unsure, and can be easily derailed with misunderstandings. Asking a potential partner to accept an inappropriate friendship is a sure-fire way to end your new relationship before it even starts.
If you are having an emotional affair with the opposite sex, ask yourself why you want to continue. Are you afraid of a real relationship, and therefore are hesitant to end this emotional affair? Having a friend to fantasize about can be a crutch to hold you back from developing a healthy relationship.
The copyright of the article Friendship vs. Emotional Affair in Dating Advice is owned by Cherie Burbach. Permission to republish Friendship vs. Emotional Affair in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
This hit the nail right on the head for what I have been dealing with for
over a year now! My supposed partner whom I moved across country to be with
assured me she is just "friends" with her ex lover. I had a gut
feeling from the beginning that it seemed much more than that when the
"friend" called constantly even when we were out of town! My
partner is at her ex lovers disposal whenever she calls and uses her
"friendship" to stay emotionally distant from me. I have accused
her of using me for sex and the ex lover for the emotional needs. Of course
she denied this. I have ended this relationship and am trying to heal. I
sent this page to her. She kept trying to make me out to be the one out of
line for having a problem with her and her "friend". It is
comforting to read how this is EMOTIONAL CHEATING!!!!
Dec 13, 2008 10:20 AM
Guest
:
I am guilty on several accounts and yeah it was with an Ex, it almost cost
me my marriage but I am married to an angel, we are searching for
counseling now... contrary to one of the statements Emotional affairs will
destroy any relationship from the inside out, not just new ones
Jan 23, 2009 1:08 PM
Guest
:
Here it is almost six months later and I am still feeling like I can not
trust my husband of 15 years because of an "emotional" affair he
had with his co-worker. I discovered that he was talking to this woman
though our "family" cellphone records. I knew she existed as his
co-worker; however, I had no idea that he was talking to this woman so
extensively, which was not like he since he's more reserved about
associating with his co-workers outside of work. I don't mind my husband
having female friends, as long as I know who they are and he shares with me
some aspect of their relationship. Now, we're in counseling because its
hard for me to move on since he will not admit that it was an emotional
affair, which I considers a big betrayal/lie in our marriage and to the
world. I feel like I knew my husband, up until that point; however, his
attitude has left me uncertain about the man I married.
Jan 27, 2009 7:55 AM
Guest
:
I am currenntly in divorce proceedings because my soon to be ex husband
found his ex girlfriends more interesting he blamed it on me saying it was
because I was pregnant and moody, and was very defensive saying there was
nothing wrong with what he did because nothing physical actually happened.
I found out about it because he left his email open one day and I took a
peak, saw what I saw and then took a look at his My Space....and OH MY GOD
it felt like I had been slapped in the face. He ended up locking me out of
his computer and I also had no access to the phone bill, and he doesn't
understand why I couldn't trust him again. HELLO! I got my fill filed for
divorce am now a single mother of 4 and get to hear from his family how
sorry they feel for him, Give me a break! Sorry still a little angry about
the whole thing. Just glad to know that i was right emotional affairs are
just as bad as actually doing it.
Jan 27, 2009 2:14 PM
Guest
:
Man reading this is hard to read, when you have a friend that you view as a
good friend, but you know you are kind of tied to them emotionally. Now
that I know better the hard part is to do better. I know I am not in love
with my friend, but I do find myself wanting her on an intimate level
sometimes. Man this is going to be hard to end this friendship because I
truly view her as one of my best friends.
Feb 8, 2009 6:46 AM
Guest
:
Emotional affairs often happen because the other partner may not be giving
the other any kind of attention. I have experienced this with my spouse of
20 years. The one thing i must say is communication is the key to all of
this. If you are able to communicate with your partner about everything you
can prevent this most of the time. Always be honest with them on how your
felling.
Feb 16, 2009 1:32 PM
Guest
:
I have had several doubts about my marriage for some time now and recently
have met someone at work but does not work with me. Since I met them I had
an instant attraction not just physically but mentally. After the first
time we spoke I had them return to fill out some paperwork and we ended up
talking for like 2 hours. I had thought about this person several times
after that but didn't act on it and kept it business. But now we have been
talking more then ever and have even met up a few times. They kissed me on
one of these meetings and at that point it was clear to me that I had
feeling for this person. We have toooo much in common but we are both
married. They say they are happy in their marriage but I'm very confused on
why this person is interested in being with me. I know there is a sexual
attraction but I know we both feel a strong connection. What is happening
here ? Can anyone tell me ???
Mar 4, 2009 10:41 PM
Guest
:
I am having one of these right now. I try realy hard to stop thinking
about her, but it is extremely difficult. I don't want to get a divorce,
but I am super confused. I sincerely do not know if I love her or not; I
feel as if I was a young teenager unware of my own emotions. This is
difficult.
Mar 7, 2009 8:37 PM
iluv2sing83 :
"I have had several doubts about my marriage for some time now and
recently have met someone at work but does not work with me. Since I met
them I had an instant attraction not just physically but mentally. After
the first time we spoke I had them return to fill out some paperwork and we
ended up talking for like 2 hours. I had thought about this person several
times after that but didn't act on it and kept it business. But now we have
been talking more then ever and have even met up a few times. They kissed
me on one of these meetings and at that point it was clear to me that I had
feeling for this person. We have toooo much in common but we are both
married. They say they are happy in their marriage but I'm very confused on
why this person is interested in being with me. I know there is a sexual
attraction but I know we both feel a strong connection. What is happening
here ? Can anyone tell me ???"
Maybe they
"love" their spouse ,but are not any longer "in love".
So there really isn't anything bad in their marriage so to say, so
therefore, it makes it very hard for them to leave their spouse, yet they
probably long to be with you and deep down wish they could be. Sometimes in
life we met someone who we just know is our soulmate ,but because we are
taken or they are taken, nothing can be done about it. It hurts so
badly,for both people.
Apr 13, 2009 11:15 AM
Guest
:
Well I suppose this article has really opened my eyes up somewhat. The fact
that I came searching means I had some concerns. I'm engaged to be married
to the father of my 4 year old but recently met this guy. He's a real nice
guy and all, we email everyday and send text messgaes and all, I assist him
with his school work and am always there when needed for something. I dress
carefully when I'm going to see him and all, we joke a lot about sex and
other things and there is definitely chemistry between us. My fear is that
I think am having an emotional affaire, hopefully not to the detriment of
my relationship. I really dont see the need to end my new friendship though
as I'll ensure we remain just friends. He invited me to his house earlier
today to go thru' some school stuff and I declined and countered that we
meet somewhere neutral. I just thought that would be the sensible thing to
do.
May 7, 2009 11:44 AM
everydaymatters :
My sister recognized that I am having an emotional affair with my friend.
After reading the information on this site, I have to agree with her. I
have been in a bad marriage for years and should have left long ago. I get
nothing emotionally from my husband... at least in a positive way. For the
past couple of months, I have gotten closer to someone who was just a
friend. I find myself spending more of my time with him, and I do spend
extra time on my appearance when I know that I am going to see him. The
friendship is not a physical one, but I could see it shifting that way in
the future. I keep details of this friendship secret from my husband. I
feel like my friend understands, appreciates and cares about me. My
husband doesn't care about my feelings or opinions. He is a mean, cruel
alcoholic and like I said, I should have left years ago. My friend has
helped my self confidence and self esteem improve to the point that I will
soon be able to leave my husband. In my case, the emotional affair has
been a positive. This is the first time in my life that I have been
treated so well by a man.
May 12, 2009 12:42 AM
Guest
:
any advise for me? I just found out my husband is in a stormy
emotional affair. I know it, but he doesn't know that I know. He hides it
from me and lies. He knows it's wrong. We are married a long time and I
just had a baby. He just broke it off with her. I don't know if it went
physical too. He loves me... so I believe, but I feel betrayed and I know
he feels guilty, but still won't tell me about it. In fact he is covering
his track deeper and is telling other friends about this now....(more
emotional affairs??) What should I do. Sit tight and keep watch, or
blow my cover and face him? If I tell him he'll know how I found out and I
will never be able to find out again in the future. I need that security
blanket. if I don't tell him we can't work on the reason for this. honestly, at this point I am confused and don't know what's best. I don't
know why he had the affair and I am very sad about it and I also suspect
now that this is not the first time. What would be my smartest move to
save our marriage here? Does anyone have advise? Thanks to all of
you and hope it never happens to you. Not fun to find out on your first
mother day ever, that's for sure. It doesn't even matter that it's over,
the damage is done.
May 12, 2009 2:48 PM
Guest
:
An affair is an affair whether or not it is emotional or physical. Don't
kid yourself. Don't let your life happen to you, you are stronger than
you think... I know, I am a survivor of an affair. Forgiveness and
trust are too easily thrown around... get good professional help. It saved
me, it will save you.
May 13, 2009 5:01 PM
Guest
:
any advise for me? I just found out my husband is in a stormy
emotional affair. I know it, but he doesn't know that I know. He hides it
from me and lies. He knows it's wrong. We are married a long time and I
just had a baby. He just broke it off with her. I don't know if it went
physical too. He loves me... so I believe, but I feel betrayed and I know
he feels guilty, but still won't tell me about it. In fact he is covering
his track deeper and is telling other friends about this now....(more
emotional affairs??) What should I do. Sit tight and keep watch, or
blow my cover and face him? If I tell him he'll know how I found out and I
will never be able to find out again in the future. I need that security
blanket. if I don't tell him we can't work on the reason for this. honestly, at this point I am confused and don't know what's best. I don't
know why he had the affair and I am very sad about it and I also suspect
now that this is not the first time. What would be my smartest move to
save our marriage here? Does anyone have advise? Thanks to all of
you and hope it never happens to you. Not fun to find out on your first
mother day ever, that's for sure. It doesn't even matter that it's over,
the damage is done.
May 13, 2009 5:09 PM
Guest
:
Thank you so much for your advise! I will listen to you! It is easy to
forgive, since it's easier to ignore the problem then to deal with it. He
came home and said nothing about this. He does not know that I know. I know
he feels very guilty towards me, I can tell. If I let this slide it will
happen again I am sure. Plus I really don't feel I can fully trust him
anymore, especially if he doesn't tell me what's going on or went on. I
know you're right. He is the one that needs help though more than I, that's
why he found a 'friend' to share/talk to. He should have gone to a
councellor. I was just so sure we had no problems and we where solid and I
trusted him 100%. (First time I trusted a person besides my family
100%). Thanks for your advise!
May 21, 2009 8:11 PM
Guest
:
I've read some of these comments and it's sickening to see that the one's
who are cheating can't see the pain and harm it will cause your partner in
the future. Right now you all are having a good time with the newness and
thrill but if you had a soul and emotions you would see the pain it will
cause in a partner who never asked to be in this position. Anyone who does
this is selfish and self centered and when discovered not deserve a second
chance; why a second chance--you're with your NEW mate. Leave the person
who you hurt alone to grieve and don't cause anymore pain by saying
meaningless words like "It didn't mean anything" "You're the
one I love" words are cheap at this point. Your actions should have
been stronger than those words and value as having more integrity!! If
you are the person who was cheated on you need to leave because once they
get away with doing it once they will do it again. No matter how many
promises. Why would you want to be with a person who betrayed you- punish
them by leaving them alone to enjoy their new loves but YOU also have the
opportunity to start fresh with someone who will admire, respect and truly
love you for who you are. You want to keep rewarding the cheater by saying
it's ok I forgive you and this will allow him to do it again. This may
sound very harsh but this just happened to me and he wasn't cheating with
one person but with 5 women. I heard all the lines- But I love you, I will
change my ways, I will do what you want, we're so good together, I now
realize what I have with you, etc..... It's still all about him- never said
what do YOU want me to do for you. I'm sorry YOU'RE hurt, YOU don't deserve
to be treated like this. YOU deserve better. So take it from me you don't
deserve to be treated this way and things will never go back to how it all
was in the beginning. The cheater has victory and the victim has a BROKEN
SOUL. You will recover by moving on, why punish yourself by giving him the
satisfaction of him having you again- you were and will continue to be just
another number, not a human being who should've been treated with
respect.
Jun 7, 2009 7:22 AM
Guest
:
I just found out night before last that I am in an emotional affair with
someone I've been friends with for years. I had no idea that he had a
significant other of 3 years! We texted each other, talked on the phone,
and met for meals at least 3 times a week. The way I found out was
horrible. I got a blank text from his cell and after I replied I got a
phone call from his girlfriend. I feel horrible and guilty though I've not
done anything wrong because I had no idea there was someone in his
life, and he had told me his friends had been trying to fix him up on
dates. I believe I have been betrayed also, by someone very close to me.
I know that his other relationship is more important to him because I have
not heard from him. It hurts a great deal. It's betrayal when you don't
know about each other. If they keep valuable information about this from
you or their significant others then they are not your friend and you need
to cut them free and move on, painful as it is. Hardest part is that we
had been communicating so often and now it will come to an end. It's like
a part of me has died. I will go on as always but this hurt worse because
he seemed like such a wonderful and caring man. It's going to be a long
time before I will be able to allow anyone new in my life. I have male
friends who are married and their spouses know about me. That is a healthy
relationship. It changes into an emotional affair when he keeps you from
her and her from you. When you find out this bit of information it is best
to walk away. My advise to anyone who reads this article and it
strikes a nerve, get out of the relationship. Usually these people are
repeat offenders and it's only a matter of time before you find out about
their NEW emotional affair.
Jun 10, 2009 1:32 AM
Guest
:
Any recovery experiences?? I am facing this problem and the situation
has so bad that almost all of the characteristics match. Is there any
hope for me??
Jun 10, 2009 7:46 PM
Guest
:
I have suspected for a while that my husband has been having what I now
know to be called an emotional affair. I realize it but he does not. He
won't admit that he has done anything wrong. He realizes that he has hurt
me and swears he still loves me and that he wants our relationship to work.
( we have been married almost 12 years) But he can't understand why I can't
move past this. We are starting couples counselling next week but I was
just wondering if anyone else has been able to move past this and keep
their relationship strong? Any advice on what I can do?
Jun 21, 2009 12:49 PM
Guest
:
<i>When you begin to share intimate or hurtful details of your
relationship with one particular friend of the opposite sex, you are in the
beginning stages of an emotional affair. Every relationship has ups and
downs, but by relaying personal information on your significant other you
are also betraying his or her trust.</i> So because this person
that you are sharing with is of the opposite sex it is considered a betrayl
of trust? If you did so with a person of the same sex what would it be
then? I walk with my friends about almost everything. I don't have anything
to hide why should I censor myself around a male friend? Because he is
male? I also don't agree with the statement that if your partner has a
problem with your friendship then that is a sign of an emotional affair.
No, I'm sorry it isn't. My partner has a problem with me being friends with
a man and I did nothing wrong. Sometimes you get accused of something not
because you are having an affair, but because that person can't handle the
idea of you being friends with another man. Which in itself is wrong.
Jun 30, 2009 8:52 AM
Guest
:
I have been involved in an emotional affair for about 8 months. All I do
is think about being with him. I can't eat, sleep, or work. When I do
sleep all I do is dream of him. I know that this is wrong and have prayed
about it alot. Everyday I try not to call him or see him. I also feel
like I am going crazy. It was very sudden and impactful. Please pray for
all of us that we do the next right thing and not act on our feelings.
Nothing good will ever come out of it.
Jun 30, 2009 12:42 PM
Guest
:
I confronted my husband yesterday about his inapropriate
"friendship" with a woman that we have both known for over a
year. He has always been completely devoted to his cell phone but in the
last few weeks he has made and received so many calls and texts to her,
hiding his phone or clearing data, not doing anything at home, staying out
late. he of course does not seem to understand the pain this is causing me
- i feel utterly betrayed. He seems to think I'm nuts for even thinking it
is and emotional affair, but he has agreed to stop contacting her because
he loves me - Im just afraid he'll replace her with someone else.
Jul 3, 2009 12:21 AM
Guest
:
I refer to the letter dated Jan 23 2009 - 1:08 PM. I have been married for
26 years and while working through some phone records (checking costs)I
discovered a phone number appearing often on my wife's bill. I checked to
see if this was family. I phoned this number pretending to be someone else.
I discovered the name of the person - a man my wife works with. I phoned
the headoffice of the company - and lied - but eventually wiggled with a
long story the name of this guy's wife. I phoned her and we met at a coffee
shop. She was shocked.She told me her husband had three phones -two he
hides away - but she had somehow discovered the numbers - he sleeps with
his one phone under his pillow. I went home and checked my lists. This had
been going on for two years - IDIOT! I was an idiot for trusting her
100%.She was in the bathroom sending him messages while I was asleep. One
of these these numbers was on the list.Calls were made during the day - a
few in the morning - and a few late at night. Discovered she was also
sending sms's. This is where I made my big mistake. I phoned her at work
and asked her if she was having an affair. IDIOT! When she got home her
phone was clean. I found out where the guy lived - woke her up 2AM and
drove to his house. Had my gun with me. We (him, wives, and myself)met and
talked it through. He and his wife were having problems. My wife was
unhappy with me - and said they - they were simply crying on each other's
sholders. No physical stuff took place they swore. Friend used to say - if
she looses weight, buys new undies - be aware.This did happen. WE went away
for a weekend before this all came to light - guess who we had met there
and had supper with?.I am expected to forgive and forget. Would she (or
women in general)have been so understanding?. She still works there,and he
still works there although he is away on the road often. My wife now files
her phonebill where I can see it. It's been two years now, and it is still
eating at me. I shall never trust anyone (her) again. I have tried to
repair what drove her to cry on someone elses shoulder. She says often she
loves me. I say nothing. I have not seen her parents for two years.Asked
them for help - they did nothing. I still feel she "got away with
it" too lightly. 12 October a date I will never be able to forget. We
have never discussed it for a year. How does one move on? Would she have
foregiven me? Is she thinking of him while being intimate with me?
May 15, 2007
