Friendship vs. Emotional Affair

Signs Your Friendship Has Crossed Into Questionable Territory

May 15, 2007 Cherie Burbach

Friendships are great. Emotional affairs are trouble. Here are some guidelines to determine if you're having an inappropriate relationship.

Feelings of attraction:

Friendship:

Feelings for your friend are completely platonic. That means you are not attracted to your friend and couldn't imagine having sex with them.

Emotional affair:

You begin to have feelings of attraction for your friend. You wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch your friend.

Sharing inappropriate details of your relationship:

Friendship:

Your friend is a source of support, but you make it a point not to discuss the intricacies of your relationship.

Emotional affair:

When you begin to share intimate or hurtful details of your relationship with one particular friend of the opposite sex, you are in the beginning stages of an emotional affair. Every relationship has ups and downs, but by relaying personal information on your significant other you are also betraying his or her trust.

Longing for your friend instead of your partner:

Friendship:

You look forward to seeing your friend at work or out socially, but ultimately look forward to going home to your partner.

Emotional affair:

You spend more energy longing for your friend than you do your partner. When you're with your partner, you look forward to when you can get back to spending time with your friend.

Secrecy:

Friendship:

Your relationship with your friend is out in the open. Your partner knows when you meet for dinner and have lunch, and you are honest when asked how you two spent your time.

Emotional affair:

You tend to hide information on your friendship from your partner. You email or call each other in secret, and when asked how you two spent your time you have a tendency to lie.

Your friendship upsets your partner:

Friendship:

Your partner is supportive of spending time with your friend.

Emotional affair:

Something about your friendship bothers your partner, and when he or she asks you about it you get uncomfortable or defensive.

Your friend takes up your thoughts:

Friendship:

You daydream and fantasize about your new relationship, not your friend.

Emotional affair:

You dream and fantasize about your friend, not your new relationship.

You believe you'll always be closer to your friend than your partner:

Friendship:

Your friend knows you only too well, but you look forward to the day when your significant other will come to know your heart and soul even better.

Emotional affair:

You believe that no matter how great the new person in your life is, he or she will never be able to know you quite like your friend does.

You have feelings of jealousy when your friend finds love:

Friendship:

When your friend goes on a date, you are happy for them and hope they find their match.

Emotional affair:

You are jealous when your friend goes on a date. You find yourself hoping your friend will not find love and instead spend time with you.

The dangers of emotional affairs when you're dating:

Emotional affairs can be especially harmful to new relationships. When you've first started dating, things are tentative and unsure, and can be easily derailed with misunderstandings. Asking a potential partner to accept an inappropriate friendship is a sure-fire way to end your new relationship before it even starts.

If you are having an emotional affair with the opposite sex, ask yourself why you want to continue. Are you afraid of a real relationship, and therefore are hesitant to end this emotional affair? Having a friend to fantasize about can be a crutch to hold you back from developing a healthy relationship.

The Danger of Emotional Affairs: Betrayal of Trust

The copyright of the article Friendship vs. Emotional Affair in Dating is owned by Cherie Burbach. Permission to republish Friendship vs. Emotional Affair in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

Emotional Affair

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47 Comments

Comments

Sep 23, 2008 3:26 PM

Guest :

Nov 30, 2008 9:17 PM

Guest :

wow!

Dec 11, 2008 1:35 PM

Guest :

This hit the nail right on the head for what I have been dealing with for over a year now! My supposed partner whom I moved across country to be with assured me she is just "friends" with her ex lover. I had a gut feeling from the beginning that it seemed much more than that when the "friend" called constantly even when we were out of town! My partner is at her ex lovers disposal whenever she calls and uses her "friendship" to stay emotionally distant from me. I have accused her of using me for sex and the ex lover for the emotional needs. Of course she denied this. I have ended this relationship and am trying to heal. I sent this page to her. She kept trying to make me out to be the one out of line for having a problem with her and her "friend". It is comforting to read how this is EMOTIONAL CHEATING!!!!

Dec 13, 2008 10:20 AM

Guest :

I am guilty on several accounts and yeah it was with an Ex, it almost cost me my marriage but I am married to an angel, we are searching for counseling now... contrary to one of the statements Emotional affairs will destroy any relationship from the inside out, not just new ones

Jan 23, 2009 1:08 PM

Guest :

Here it is almost six months later and I am still feeling like I can not trust my husband of 15 years because of an "emotional" affair he had with his co-worker. I discovered that he was talking to this woman though our "family" cellphone records. I knew she existed as his co-worker; however, I had no idea that he was talking to this woman so extensively, which was not like he since he's more reserved about associating with his co-workers outside of work. I don't mind my husband having female friends, as long as I know who they are and he shares with me some aspect of their relationship. Now, we're in counseling because its hard for me to move on since he will not admit that it was an emotional affair, which I considers a big betrayal/lie in our marriage and to the world. I feel like I knew my husband, up until that point; however, his attitude has left me uncertain about the man I married.

Jan 27, 2009 7:55 AM

Guest :

I am currenntly in divorce proceedings because my soon to be ex husband found his ex girlfriends more interesting he blamed it on me saying it was because I was pregnant and moody, and was very defensive saying there was nothing wrong with what he did because nothing physical actually happened. I found out about it because he left his email open one day and I took a peak, saw what I saw and then took a look at his My Space....and OH MY GOD it felt like I had been slapped in the face. He ended up locking me out of his computer and I also had no access to the phone bill, and he doesn't understand why I couldn't trust him again. HELLO! I got my fill filed for divorce am now a single mother of 4 and get to hear from his family how sorry they feel for him, Give me a break! Sorry still a little angry about the whole thing. Just glad to know that i was right emotional affairs are just as bad as actually doing it.

Jan 27, 2009 2:14 PM

Guest :

Man reading this is hard to read, when you have a friend that you view as a good friend, but you know you are kind of tied to them emotionally. Now that I know better the hard part is to do better. I know I am not in love with my friend, but I do find myself wanting her on an intimate level sometimes. Man this is going to be hard to end this friendship because I truly view her as one of my best friends.

Feb 8, 2009 6:46 AM

Guest :

Emotional affairs often happen because the other partner may not be giving the other any kind of attention. I have experienced this with my spouse of 20 years. The one thing i must say is communication is the key to all of this. If you are able to communicate with your partner about everything you can prevent this most of the time. Always be honest with them on how your felling.

Feb 16, 2009 1:32 PM

Guest :

I have had several doubts about my marriage for some time now and recently have met someone at work but does not work with me. Since I met them I had an instant attraction not just physically but mentally. After the first time we spoke I had them return to fill out some paperwork and we ended up talking for like 2 hours. I had thought about this person several times after that but didn't act on it and kept it business. But now we have been talking more then ever and have even met up a few times. They kissed me on one of these meetings and at that point it was clear to me that I had feeling for this person. We have toooo much in common but we are both married. They say they are happy in their marriage but I'm very confused on why this person is interested in being with me. I know there is a sexual attraction but I know we both feel a strong connection. What is happening here ? Can anyone tell me ???

Mar 4, 2009 10:41 PM

Guest :

I am having one of these right now. I try realy hard to stop thinking about her, but it is extremely difficult. I don't want to get a divorce, but I am super confused. I sincerely do not know if I love her or not; I feel as if I was a young teenager unware of my own emotions. This is difficult.

Mar 7, 2009 8:37 PM

iluv2sing83 :

"I have had several doubts about my marriage for some time now and recently have met someone at work but does not work with me. Since I met them I had an instant attraction not just physically but mentally. After the first time we spoke I had them return to fill out some paperwork and we ended up talking for like 2 hours. I had thought about this person several times after that but didn't act on it and kept it business. But now we have been talking more then ever and have even met up a few times. They kissed me on one of these meetings and at that point it was clear to me that I had feeling for this person. We have toooo much in common but we are both married. They say they are happy in their marriage but I'm very confused on why this person is interested in being with me. I know there is a sexual attraction but I know we both feel a strong connection. What is happening here ? Can anyone tell me ???"

Maybe they "love" their spouse ,but are not any longer "in love". So there really isn't anything bad in their marriage so to say, so therefore, it makes it very hard for them to leave their spouse, yet they probably long to be with you and deep down wish they could be. Sometimes in life we met someone who we just know is our soulmate ,but because we are taken or they are taken, nothing can be done about it. It hurts so badly,for both people.

Apr 13, 2009 11:15 AM

Guest :

Well I suppose this article has really opened my eyes up somewhat. The fact that I came searching means I had some concerns. I'm engaged to be married to the father of my 4 year old but recently met this guy. He's a real nice guy and all, we email everyday and send text messgaes and all, I assist him with his school work and am always there when needed for something. I dress carefully when I'm going to see him and all, we joke a lot about sex and other things and there is definitely chemistry between us. My fear is that I think am having an emotional affaire, hopefully not to the detriment of my relationship. I really dont see the need to end my new friendship though as I'll ensure we remain just friends. He invited me to his house earlier today to go thru' some school stuff and I declined and countered that we meet somewhere neutral. I just thought that would be the sensible thing to do.

May 7, 2009 11:44 AM

everydaymatters :

My sister recognized that I am having an emotional affair with my friend. After reading the information on this site, I have to agree with her. I have been in a bad marriage for years and should have left long ago. I get nothing emotionally from my husband... at least in a positive way. For the past couple of months, I have gotten closer to someone who was just a friend. I find myself spending more of my time with him, and I do spend extra time on my appearance when I know that I am going to see him. The friendship is not a physical one, but I could see it shifting that way in the future. I keep details of this friendship secret from my husband. I feel like my friend understands, appreciates and cares about me. My husband doesn't care about my feelings or opinions. He is a mean, cruel alcoholic and like I said, I should have left years ago. My friend has helped my self confidence and self esteem improve to the point that I will soon be able to leave my husband. In my case, the emotional affair has been a positive. This is the first time in my life that I have been treated so well by a man.

May 12, 2009 12:42 AM

Guest :

any advise for me?
I just found out my husband is in a stormy emotional affair. I know it, but he doesn't know that I know. He hides it from me and lies. He knows it's wrong. We are married a long time and I just had a baby. He just broke it off with her. I don't know if it went physical too. He loves me... so I believe, but I feel betrayed and I know he feels guilty, but still won't tell me about it. In fact he is covering his track deeper and is telling other friends about this now....(more emotional affairs??)
What should I do. Sit tight and keep watch, or blow my cover and face him? If I tell him he'll know how I found out and I will never be able to find out again in the future. I need that security blanket. if I don't tell him we can't work on the reason for this.
honestly, at this point I am confused and don't know what's best. I don't know why he had the affair and I am very sad about it and I also suspect now that this is not the first time.
What would be my smartest move to save our marriage here?
Does anyone have advise?
Thanks to all of you and hope it never happens to you. Not fun to find out on your first mother day ever, that's for sure. It doesn't even matter that it's over, the damage is done.

May 12, 2009 2:48 PM

Guest :

An affair is an affair whether or not it is emotional or physical. Don't kid yourself.
Don't let your life happen to you, you are stronger than you think... I know, I am a survivor of an affair.
Forgiveness and trust are too easily thrown around... get good professional help. It saved me, it will save you.

May 13, 2009 5:01 PM

Guest :

May 13, 2009 5:09 PM

Guest :

Thank you so much for your advise! I will listen to you! It is easy to forgive, since it's easier to ignore the problem then to deal with it. He came home and said nothing about this. He does not know that I know. I know he feels very guilty towards me, I can tell. If I let this slide it will happen again I am sure. Plus I really don't feel I can fully trust him anymore, especially if he doesn't tell me what's going on or went on. I know you're right. He is the one that needs help though more than I, that's why he found a 'friend' to share/talk to. He should have gone to a councellor. I was just so sure we had no problems and we where solid and I trusted him 100%. (First time I trusted a person besides my family 100%).
Thanks for your advise!

May 21, 2009 8:11 PM

Guest :

I've read some of these comments and it's sickening to see that the one's who are cheating can't see the pain and harm it will cause your partner in the future. Right now you all are having a good time with the newness and thrill but if you had a soul and emotions you would see the pain it will cause in a partner who never asked to be in this position. Anyone who does this is selfish and self centered and when discovered not deserve a second chance; why a second chance--you're with your NEW mate. Leave the person who you hurt alone to grieve and don't cause anymore pain by saying meaningless words like "It didn't mean anything" "You're the one I love" words are cheap at this point. Your actions should have been stronger than those words and value as having more integrity!!
If you are the person who was cheated on you need to leave because once they get away with doing it once they will do it again. No matter how many promises. Why would you want to be with a person who betrayed you- punish them by leaving them alone to enjoy their new loves but YOU also have the opportunity to start fresh with someone who will admire, respect and truly love you for who you are. You want to keep rewarding the cheater by saying it's ok I forgive you and this will allow him to do it again.
This may sound very harsh but this just happened to me and he wasn't cheating with one person but with 5 women. I heard all the lines- But I love you, I will change my ways, I will do what you want, we're so good together, I now realize what I have with you, etc..... It's still all about him- never said what do YOU want me to do for you. I'm sorry YOU'RE hurt, YOU don't deserve to be treated like this. YOU deserve better. So take it from me you don't deserve to be treated this way and things will never go back to how it all was in the beginning. The cheater has victory and the victim has a BROKEN SOUL. You will recover by moving on, why punish yourself by giving him the satisfaction of him having you again- you were and will continue to be just another number, not a human being who should've been treated with respect.

Jun 7, 2009 7:22 AM

Guest :

I just found out night before last that I am in an emotional affair with someone I've been friends with for years. I had no idea that he had a significant other of 3 years! We texted each other, talked on the phone, and met for meals at least 3 times a week. The way I found out was horrible. I got a blank text from his cell and after I replied I got a phone call from his girlfriend. I feel horrible and guilty though I've not done anything wrong because
I had no idea there was someone in his life, and he had told me his friends had been trying to fix him up on dates. I believe I have been betrayed also, by someone very close to me. I know that his other relationship is more important to him because I have not heard from him. It hurts a great deal. It's betrayal when you don't know about each other. If they keep valuable information about this from you or their significant others then they are not your friend and you need to cut them free and move on, painful as it is. Hardest part is that we had been communicating so often and now it will come to an end. It's like a part of me has died. I will go on as always but this hurt worse because he seemed like such a wonderful and caring man. It's going to be a long time before I will be able to allow anyone new in my life. I have male friends who are married and their spouses know about me. That is a healthy relationship. It changes into an emotional affair when he keeps you from her and her from you. When you find out this bit of information it is best to walk away.
My advise to anyone who reads this article and it strikes a nerve, get out of the relationship. Usually these people are repeat offenders and it's only a matter of time before you find out about their NEW emotional affair.

Jun 10, 2009 1:32 AM

Guest :

Any recovery experiences??
I am facing this problem and the situation has so bad that almost all of the characteristics match.
Is there any hope for me??

Jun 10, 2009 7:46 PM

Guest :

I have suspected for a while that my husband has been having what I now know to be called an emotional affair. I realize it but he does not. He won't admit that he has done anything wrong. He realizes that he has hurt me and swears he still loves me and that he wants our relationship to work. ( we have been married almost 12 years) But he can't understand why I can't move past this. We are starting couples counselling next week but I was just wondering if anyone else has been able to move past this and keep their relationship strong? Any advice on what I can do?

Jun 21, 2009 12:49 PM

Guest :

<i>When you begin to share intimate or hurtful details of your relationship with one particular friend of the opposite sex, you are in the beginning stages of an emotional affair. Every relationship has ups and downs, but by relaying personal information on your significant other you are also betraying his or her trust.</i>
So because this person that you are sharing with is of the opposite sex it is considered a betrayl of trust? If you did so with a person of the same sex what would it be then? I walk with my friends about almost everything. I don't have anything to hide why should I censor myself around a male friend? Because he is male?
I also don't agree with the statement that if your partner has a problem with your friendship then that is a sign of an emotional affair. No, I'm sorry it isn't. My partner has a problem with me being friends with a man and I did nothing wrong. Sometimes you get accused of something not because you are having an affair, but because that person can't handle the idea of you being friends with another man. Which in itself is wrong.

Jun 30, 2009 8:52 AM

Guest :

I have been involved in an emotional affair for about 8 months. All I do is think about being with him. I can't eat, sleep, or work. When I do sleep all I do is dream of him. I know that this is wrong and have prayed about it alot. Everyday I try not to call him or see him. I also feel like I am going crazy. It was very sudden and impactful. Please pray for all of us that we do the next right thing and not act on our feelings. Nothing good will ever come out of it.

Jun 30, 2009 12:42 PM

Guest :

I confronted my husband yesterday about his inapropriate "friendship" with a woman that we have both known for over a year. He has always been completely devoted to his cell phone but in the last few weeks he has made and received so many calls and texts to her, hiding his phone or clearing data, not doing anything at home, staying out late. he of course does not seem to understand the pain this is causing me - i feel utterly betrayed. He seems to think I'm nuts for even thinking it is and emotional affair, but he has agreed to stop contacting her because he loves me - Im just afraid he'll replace her with someone else.

Jul 3, 2009 12:21 AM

Guest :

I refer to the letter dated Jan 23 2009 - 1:08 PM. I have been married for 26 years and while working through some phone records (checking costs)I discovered a phone number appearing often on my wife's bill. I checked to see if this was family. I phoned this number pretending to be someone else. I discovered the name of the person - a man my wife works with. I phoned the headoffice of the company - and lied - but eventually wiggled with a long story the name of this guy's wife. I phoned her and we met at a coffee shop. She was shocked.She told me her husband had three phones -two he hides away - but she had somehow discovered the numbers - he sleeps with his one phone under his pillow. I went home and checked my lists. This had been going on for two years - IDIOT! I was an idiot for trusting her 100%.She was in the bathroom sending him messages while I was asleep. One of these these numbers was on the list.Calls were made during the day - a few in the morning - and a few late at night. Discovered she was also sending sms's. This is where I made my big mistake. I phoned her at work and asked her if she was having an affair. IDIOT! When she got home her phone was clean. I found out where the guy lived - woke her up 2AM and drove to his house. Had my gun with me. We (him, wives, and myself)met and talked it through. He and his wife were having problems. My wife was unhappy with me - and said they - they were simply crying on each other's sholders. No physical stuff took place they swore. Friend used to say - if she looses weight, buys new undies - be aware.This did happen. WE went away for a weekend before this all came to light - guess who we had met there and had supper with?.I am expected to forgive and forget. Would she (or women in general)have been so understanding?. She still works there,and he still works there although he is away on the road often. My wife now files her phonebill where I can see it. It's been two years now, and it is still eating at me. I shall never trust anyone (her) again. I have tried to repair what drove her to cry on someone elses shoulder. She says often she loves me. I say nothing. I have not seen her parents for two years.Asked them for help - they did nothing. I still feel she "got away with it" too lightly. 12 October a date I will never be able to forget. We have never discussed it for a year. How does one move on? Would she have foregiven me? Is she thinking of him while being intimate with me?

Jul 12, 2009 4:41 PM

Guest :

This hits home like you wouldn't believe. Me and my boss have been talking for about 3 years now sharing private info about our spouses to each other. We did cross the line at one time but we didn't do it again. We didn't make any agreement to stop I guess the timing has not been right. It seems like we are both afraid to loose what we have at home which is nothing great. I guess we stay for the little ones or until we get tired and do what we need to do.

Aug 12, 2009 10:55 AM

Guest :

My jackass of a husband is having an emotional affair. I've seen all the sings & I've heard everything from the other party. We're on the edge of divorce.

Aug 20, 2009 2:18 PM

Guest :

The letter dated June 30 was right: sudden and impactful. That's what happened to me with a longtime coworker. It's been 5 months and I can't get her out of my mind. We've worked together for 20 years and we're both married. I don't know if this is an emotional affair. Aside from the longing, we do nothing inappropriate. Only because of her strength - not mine. We behave like friends for the most part.

I still have the same problem that other do: I can't get her out of my mind. I keep thinking this will end, but it hasn't changed one bit. I think extramarital sex would be less damaging to my marriage because I could at least move on. How do I get this to stop?

Aug 21, 2009 4:11 PM

Guest :

My husband admitted to me that he had shared 5-6 sexual texts with my "good friend" and next door neighbor. I am devastated - so hurt by both of them. What he has told me about the brief time they were texting doesn't fit all the critera above, but maybe in time it would have. We have never had any issues like this before. My neighbor is a flirt, has cheated on her husband and from what he says it went from normal silliness like we've all shared together, to flirting to overtly sexual. He admitted it to me without prompting and has apologized like never before. I've forgiven him but I'm obviously still hurt. My life has been possibly unalterably affected by this - right now I feel trapped on my back porch because she is out front with her husband. How do I handle this? It wasn't a full blown emotional affair at all but it is still deceitful and hurtful. How long does it take to feel better about something like this?

Aug 21, 2009 4:18 PM

Guest :

Aug 22, 2009 11:44 PM

Guest :

I found this email on my live-in boyfriend’s computer two days ago.
We are in our mid Forties and I thought we were very committed. I have confronted him about this email.
He is excusing this email and many others that are more intimate with “her” as “just being a good friend to her”. His defense is that it is worse to have read his personal emails than telling another woman that he loves her, that he will always be her baby, “that she is still the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on” etc.
What do you think?
Hi, (my live in boyfriend’s name):
I just wanted to write you tonight and tell you not only thank you for all you are doing to help me out… but that it was so great seeing you and being able to spend time with you.
Its funny how after not seeing each other for so long, we can fall right back into the laughs that we always had. I got home and thought, “Wow… it’s been like 4 years since we saw each other, but it seemed like yesterday.”
I just can’t believe that we are able to still pick right back up to what we had the most… the laughs. I really loved being able to laugh with you again, and am glad we never lost it.
I know that you think that you look ‘old’, but believe me… you don’t in my eyes. Not at all. You look the same as I remember; handsome. You always had great taste in clothes, and you looked very distinguished in the outfit you were wearing. I am sooooo proud of how you were able to pick your life back up to what you always did so greatly. You ARE truly a great businessman. You deserve all of the great things that are coming your way because not only are you a good person, but you have had to work harder than anyone I know to get there. I am in awe at how you went through what you did but still were able to come right back and have the attitude of, “I’ll make it again, but this time bigger and better.”
Remember when I used to say, “You’re my hero.”… Well, you still are. I hope you realize that whether or not you still drink has no bearing on what I think of you. That is your business; you don’t have to hide anything from me.
Thank you for respecting my wishes tonight on not drinking when with me. Even though I didn’t say anything when you ordered the drink, I like how you saw in my eyes that I didn’t want you to… and you cancelled the order. It showed me that not only do you know me, but that you respected me.
I love you (my boyfriend’s name). I really do.
I will post his response

Aug 31, 2009 4:40 PM

Guest :

Thank you for this article. My girlfriend has a "friend" that was her ex, and she thinks it is all good to lie about seeing him. It is BS, and I'm going to let her go.
I think that too many women think, "Oh he is just a friend, and he is not into me." We didn't have sex, so it is not cheating. I say- "Skank ho- goodbye."

Sep 24, 2009 10:09 PM

Guest :

I am a recent victim of an emotional affair. My wife of 5 years has been emotionally involved with her sisters ex-fiancee for about eight months. They were out of contact for a few years then got re-aquainted on facebook.

From that it lead to e-mails, msn messenger to phone calls and that is where I finally caught on. Looking over her cell phone bills there were calls, sometimes up to 4 per day over an eight month period, to two numbers in particular. One of the numbers was his home number and the other was his cell. Needless to say I was outraged and immediately confronted her.

At first she said it was nothing and was just confiding to a friend and that she was confiding to others and not only to him. But when I pressed the issue she confessed that yes it was getting out of hand with him and that she had already stopped calling him. I had my doubts but to my surprise she was telling the truth because the next phone bill had only one or two calls on it.

I felt that I was at fault because I wasn't giving the attention that she deserved so I made a point to work at our relationship because it meant everything to me. I thought things were going well when I intercepted a message she was writing to him on msn messenger that had all this stuff about how she missed him and all that was important to her was him and our two girls etc etc.

I flipped again and she denied it until I showed her that I saw what she wrote. After many tears on both her and my part and a tirade or two by me we got by it and I honestly think that she has not been in contact with him for about two months now.

My problem though is it seems that I am the one putting out the greater effort to make sure our relationship is healthy. She does respond to me when I make loving gestures which is a good but she is not pro-active at all. It always has to come from me first.

I guess I am wondering if it really is over between them or is she just "acting" like she is over him? How long should it take and what should I be looking for to make sure that it is over.

Oct 4, 2009 2:46 AM

Guest :

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and I love him dearly. He is the only man I have ever been with sexually. He is the father of my 3 children. One problem though, he is not very interested in having sex with me. On average we make love about twice per month. I have tried everything from sexy langerie to toys, etc.

A few months ago a friend and I became closer and before I knew it, we were trapped in an emotional affair. I do not want to hurt my husband, my kids, his wife or his kids. I just feel like it is good to start feeling alive again.

My husband and I have fought about this, argued, cried, seeked help, and then some. I will not ever leave my husband because of sex, but is it really wrong of me to want to feel special and loved? I am in my mid 30s, and I do not look bad physically. I do, however, feel old and unatractive with my husband.

I have tried shutting down my emotions completely and just tried to ignore the sex thing. I tried to tell myself that it is not important and that I can be happily married without it. The one thing I did not count on when shutting down your emotions is the fact that it is not like a switch that can be turned on and off. I noticed that when I shut down my emotions, I was also shutting my kids out. That broke my heart. Now I am living with my emotions, but in constant heartache.

Please help me. I love my husband and my kids. I am extremely attracted to this other man. He is smart and funny and spiritual and I can feel that he wants me. How do I pick between feeling alive and drowning my soul?

Oct 8, 2009 5:05 AM

Guest :

I wish I knew about this before getting into a relationship with my now EX. I also considered moving across the country for him but thank God I came to my senses. He will never understand what it feels like. All he does is tell me Ive got it wrong and that he only cares about me. He admits that he's been doing this and says he is different now. I am just supposed to forgive him and trust him all over. He goes and invites his emotionally intimate female friend to his house again, the one he was obsessed with for years, tells me later and when I get upset because all of the work it took for us to see eye to eye was all fake on his part, he says he "feels bad because she needs a friend" and this is his way of letting her down easy. It hurts because I wanted more than this with him, but I can't do this anymore. He's an
idiot.

Oct 18, 2009 8:47 PM

Guest :

My ex-fiancee/bf was having emotional affairs with the married teachers he worked with and with ex-gf. He does not think he did anything wrong and insists he didnt cheat on me. Because of his issues with emotional intimacy with the one he is with, he has these flirtatous relationships with these "friends" to get that high or excitement instead of actually partipating in the relationship. He flirts with them, kept them as a secret from me, never called them while with me, and actually kept me a secret from them too. He kept our engagement a secret too. I did catch him flirting sexually via email with one of his "friends" he told me when we started dating I could not meet. Because she still had feelings for him...and she is married! He even was talking to other girls behind my back from a dating site and thought there was something there with one of them. Broke up with me and within the hour, was talking to her! Never told her that he was just in a relationship an hour prior. Told her work has been busy! He dumped me and left me for a girl that ended up not returning the excitement after their first date. 4 days later, he asks me to marry him for the 2nd time! How can someone do this? How mentally instable is this to go after one girl and when she doesnt want you, you go for the second choice (the ex) and propose?! He also would compare me to ex-girlfriends, complain about me texting him (costing him money) but would text them! He is one screwed up human being.

Oct 27, 2009 1:54 PM

Guest :

My husband of twenty odd years has a new BFF. They have gone on trips together and shared bank account info (we have a joint account) and have even bought each other matching Clatter Ring (that cost in the neighborhood of 900.00). and yet he could not get a matching cell phone with me thought it looked to cute. she has intruded into every aspect of our lives. even going so far as to call my son who is in the army her baby when he came home for a visit. I am ready to walk out, every time I bring up that this is way out of line he tells me I am over reacting and forcing him to give up a true friend, who has taught him what love and friendship is all about. Does any one have any advise for me? I feel alone and lonely.

Dec 8, 2009 8:20 PM

Guest :

WOW! Dang, I'm always right!! Two nights ago, I was online and looked at my boyfriend's myspace--the first time I did this-should of done it sooner! Well, he was talking to this coffee shop girl at the hospital he worked at. They both claim nothing sexual happened (she's married) BUT the messages were extremely flirty and he even kept saying how much he thinks/dreams about her ect....WELL. LET ME TELL ALL OF YOU----THIS IS CHEATING!!!!! Yes, it does make you a dirtbag! Try putting yourself in your partner's shoes. Stop the crap and TRY BEING HONEST!!! Can you tell I'm still mad? :) ?Time to move on to bigger & better things!!!

Dec 8, 2009 9:01 PM

Guest :

Gee I guess I've had an emotional affair with every woman I've ever talked to . What a crock.

Dec 18, 2009 3:09 AM

Guest :

Woke up to a bad dream about my husband and his co-worker. I know he isn't cheating Physically anyway. He is home when he is suppose to be home. We just took in a foster daughter, I like many have lost my job. I was very busy with school and I feel guilty for my time away from my family. And feel I put to many demands on him (although) I could not help it. I am not sure how I feel about this article. I do think you can't help your thoughts but it is what you do about it. I do think with the opposite sex there is always some underlying hazy lines. It's just the very basic nature of male/female relationships. I am not sure I consider any of the above cheating but I think they are warning signs. Cheating is a symptom of a much larger problem in a relationship both ways. I wouldn't have even had this stupid dream if I felt 100% sure in my relationship, or my life. I would be totally at a loss if he left me right now. I was the money maker, I had no child. And all of the above has changed our happiness and our relationship together. Do I believe he goes to support to this girl absolutely does that bother me most certainly, is that cheating I don't think so.

Dec 21, 2009 2:21 AM

Guest :

i think i need some advice guys,i have a friend,i love him,he is the best person i've ever meet in my life,i trust him,love him,we r always together,hanging out together,i dono,our relationship looks like we are married,he helps me in many things,i have nobody here but him,but what is funny,he says this relationship is not serious for him,but now he has no any other girl but me,and also when i'm sayin him to be just my brother,or to be friends,again he says no,he can't....well,i can't understand him.now we r fighting a lot,and always becouse of the same reason,i can trust him now ,' couse he started to lie to me,when he is dating with other girl some where,and now we do not even have a sex,we r just stupid friends,but again,he's behaves like my husband....and i think he's also jelouse and always asks me where am i going,with who ....etc....now can u give me advice. does he loves me or no,and can i make him to tell me the truth and also i want him back into my life,i love him ....

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Dec 22, 2009 5:54 AM

Guest :

This article is correct,
I've been married to my wife for 35 years , we move away from her family 16 years ago , she told me that my job was driving a wedge between us, she became depressed and i could not do anything to make it right. now she has reconnected with an ex and has a new freind here. If i ask about either she get defencive and say that i dont trust her. well she is correct onthe trust part ,whenshe reconnected to the ex (found on facebook) she canged e-mail account so the family would not see that the are in contact. The new feind ,she wants to be with him more than me, if i ask why ,she said to talk and make her feel better about herself. I want to be the one that does that but i can't because she will not let me get close to her. I dont want to loose her but i think she is already gone . dont know what to do.any comments would be helpful

devistated

Jan 7, 2010 1:46 PM

Guest :

my partner wont admit to emotionally cheating. I cant even bring it up with out her getting defensive. Iv allowed the affair to go on hoping she would see how much I love her. She just gets more distant and seems to be pushing me away. To all those who make excuses for this kind of behavior I have a great deal of pitty for you. I know the game, been there done that. Excuses are great until you grow a consience. Guilt will eat you away unless you really are that selfish. If you see no wrong in such behavior you can say you are quite polyamorous. Platonic is a silly word, poly is more correct.

Jan 12, 2010 4:15 PM

Guest :

My Girlfriend From 20 Years Ago Recently Found Me On Facebook And Although She Told Me She Had No Hidden Agendas We Talked Morning Noon Night And Weekends. We Got Into A Heated Argument Recently Because She Was Complaining How Another Guy She Was Talking To Blocked Her On Fb After She Told Me She Cut All Contact With Him Because He Was Calling Her Anytime He Wanted And Her Husband Was Beginning To Question. I Felt Used And Lied To And Exploded On Her As If We Were Married. I Guess I'm A Victim Of An Emotional Affair. She Denies Having Marital Problems But Reading This Article Sure Proves Me Right.

Jan 13, 2010 2:12 PM

Guest :

spot on, im actually in a relationship and have a male "friend" that i do all these things with. thankyou for making me realize before i lost my boyfriend .

Feb 2, 2010 11:04 AM

Guest :

I think it is good because if you need information about affairs

Feb 8, 2010 1:49 PM

Guest :

All of this is very painful as it is all too familiar. My partner of 15 years met a woman 5 years ago while she was visiting our city. She lives on the other side of the country but he found an excuse to visit (his cousin) and they went for dinner. Since then she has had 3 children with her 'fiance' but she and my partner have recently reconnected adn been sending each other emails (which I found by 'spying' on his computer) about making love and kisses to each other. I confronted him and he says she's not important but very depressed and he's trying to make her feel better - if you want to believe that line and to top it off - she doesn't even know I exist. She thinks he's a single man who is sophisticated, well travelled, talented etc and he is all that but she has no idea that she is hurting another woman with her "dreams of lying in his arms surrounded by his body and kissing while making love". I want to confront her as well but all advice says don't - he won't admit it to how this is hurting us. I don't know what to do.

47 Comments

Friendship vs. Emotional Affair

Signs Your Friendship Has Crossed Into Questionable Territory

Feelings of attraction:

Sharing inappropriate details of your relationship:

Longing for your friend instead of your partner:

Secrecy:

Your friendship upsets your partner:

Your friend takes up your thoughts:

You believe you'll always be closer to your friend than your partner:

You have feelings of jealousy when your friend finds love:

The dangers of emotional affairs when you're dating:

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