Handling Red Flags in a Relationship
Dating is a Time for Problems to Surface and Solutions to be Created
Oct 6, 2009
For some people, red flags in a relationship means the relationship is over. Others cannot see red flags through the lens of love. Still others don't know what they are supposed to do when they see a red flag, so they do nothing.
Red flags are simply warnings that something worrisome has surfaced in the relationship. This could be anything from the presence of an past relationship, or children, or parents, or a criminal record or even a health problem. Red flags usually signal potential conflict in a relationship, and tap into the comfort level for dealing with conflict in both people.
Options for Handling Red Flags
Some red flags are deal breakers for people. For example, dating people who suddenly admit they had an affair, or were in prison, or had been married before, or are into pornography, may mean the relationship is over simply because this new information strays too far from one's own values, beliefs or experiences.
Other red flags are not so overwhelming but are also important. For example, not keeping commitments to get together, forgetting major events, talking lots about past girlfriends/boyfriends, not introducing family, or borrowing money and not repaying it, or not initiating contact or dates may all be red flags. There are hundreds of things that can set off a red flag.
When these red flags occur, it is time to sit down and have a chat or two. Dating is the time couples create the foundation of their relationship. If that foundation is not solid, the relationship won't be starting off strong and secure, and will require, if the relationship lasts, some major renovations down the road. Dating is the time to speak up and negotiate what is expected, wanted or needed.
What couples forget is that it is okay to ask for anything and then negotiate something both can live with. People are often afraid to bring up problems for fear it will ruin a budding relationship or cause conflict or friction. Yet, without addressing the red flags, they will most likely continue and resentment, anger or disappointment will grow.
Negotiation Tips
Negotiating is different than fighting because the end goal is not to be right but to find a resolution that both people can agree and follow through with. Some negotiations can be done in a few minutes, and others take longer and may require several modifications of agreements before both people are clearly okay with what has been decided.
- Timing is everything. Find a good time and place to talk about the red flag that is troublesome. Avoid using inflammatory language (stupid, dumb, disgusting) or name calling. Don't try and squeeze this discussion in-between other things. Make a space for it and take time to both talk and listen.
- Clarify what is wanted regarding the red flag. Sometimes people talk at length about what is bothering them but never say what they want regarding the problem. Yet, the solution is what is negotiable, not the problem. Be clear and if there are any bottom lines, put them out there.
- One red flag at a time, please. Even if there are red flags waving like crazy, take them one at a time. Nothing breaks down negotiations quicker than piling up problems and expecting them all to be resolved. Actually, sometimes when one red flag is negotiated and resolved, others disappear.
- Negotiate in person. It is hard to talk about red flags and it might seem easier to text or call or email someone about them, but resist the temptation. If the relationship is important enough to take the risk to talk about difficult topics, it is worth doing it face-to-face.
Red flags are going to show up in every relationship. Some show up quickly and boldly and others start waving after months or years of dating. All of them will require action, be it ending the relationship or confronting the problem and moving on. Expect them to show up and be ready to deal with them.
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