How to Flirt without Looking Like a Flirt
Tips for Coming Across as Self-Confident but Not as Self-Centered
Dec 10, 2008
What’s the difference between that person who flirts confidently but appears just a little too smooth, and the person who makes a bold approach but looks perfectly natural? Both obviously have the self confidence necessary for flirting, but in one instance, the confidence is a turn off, and in the other, a turn on.
To make flirting appear genuine, people must pair their self confidence with an un-contrived interest in the object of their attention. Doing this means conveying a sincere interest, listening intently, and considering the other’s feelings.
Conveying a Sincere Interest
Sometimes people treat flirting as a game, and while this may boost their own self confidence, it can feel demeaning to the one who’s being played. No one likes wondering whether he or she is a trophy. For this reason, those who want a natural and non-greasy style should reserve flirtation for the occasions they’re honestly interested in getting to know someone else better.
Probably the easiest way to pick up on insincere flirtation is the compliments. People like to hear something nice about themselves, but some use this to their advantage by tossing out bits of generic flattery. Most can spot this technique a mile away. When seen in comparison to uncontrived compliments that focus on a specific attribute, the difference is glaring.
To gauge how genuine a compliment is likely to come out sounding, there are a few questions people can ask themselves. “Is this compliment intended to make the person I’m flirting with feel special or to make me look good? Am I complimenting something about them I genuinely admire, or am I saying something I think they want to hear?” Motivation is always a little murky in the arena of flirtation, but the fact someone’s considering the question probably tips the scales in his or her favor.
While Flirting, Listen Intently and Respond Thoughtfully
Some of the best flirting is actually done by letting the other person do the talking. This can seem counter intuitive to people who regard flirting as their time to impress. Making a good impression is crucial, but this is rarely done by running away with the conversation.
Though it may not be the case, someone who won’t stop talking inadvertently conveys a lack of interest. A proven antidote for this is spotting something that has relevance for the other person and framing a conversation around it.
If she’s walking a dog, he can ask her what kind it is. If he’s wearing a T-shirt with a musical group on the front, she can ask what he thinks of the band. And if there are no readily apparent clues, it’s never a bad idea to simply ask about someone’s favorite hobbies or interests.
One of the best ways to impress someone else is by showing an ability to listen and respond thoughtfully. While listening, it’s never a good idea to be calculating the next response. Ideally, each response will dovetail directly to the last bit of conversation and indicate that listener digested what was said and is able to comment on it intelligently.
Unfortunately, this means all the canned come on lines have to be replaced with original material. This shouldn’t be too difficult though. After all, there was something engaging about the person in the first place; finding out more about them is probably a top priority. The key is to let that show.
While Flirting, Consider the Others Feelings
Flirting is hard enough without those guys who ask for phone numbers and never call, or those girls who memorize the local pizza delivery number if it should come in handy. It’s a smaller world than many like to believe sometimes, and generally thoughtless flirting games will come back to haunt people in the form of a bad reputation.
Flirting is the most fun when both parties are honest and sending clear signals. It’s easy to keep this in perspective once people really understand the idea that flirting isn’t all about them.
