Want to get back together with your ex? Consider where your feelings are coming from and why you broke up before making the leap.
Whether it's been three weeks or three decades, it can be a challenge to spend time with an ex without old feelings resurfacing, leaving you longing for the love and comfort of a past relationship. Although some exes are better left in the past, statistics show that many people who reunite with former loves create long-lasting, happy relationships. How can you know if it's the right time – or the two of you are the right people – to reconnect with an old flame?
Why Are the Feelings Back?
Taking a broader view of where you are in your life may help to put your feelings into perspective. Are you lonely? Are you moving, grieving, just out of a breakup, changing jobs, or otherwise experiencing upheaval in your life?
Either loneliness or unexpected change can make people want to turn to something from the past for reassurance and comfort. That doesn't mean that you should act on your feelings – at least not until your life is more stable and you're confident that what you feel is genuine and not merely a reaction to present stress.
Why Did You Break Up?
Consider why the two of you broke up and how the breakup went. Were there real differences – like only one of you wanting kids, or arguments over religion or living arrangements? If there were real dilemmas that caused your breakup, these may dissuade you from starting to date again. Likewise, if there were no substantial issues but you found that the two of you just couldn't get along, this may not be a relationship worth reviving.
Sometimes it may seem easier to return to someone from the past than to move forward – especially when you look back with rose-colored glasses and forget the difficult parts of the relationship. However, many people do find lasting love with an ex (and the divorce rate for reunited couples has been found to be as low as 1.5%) (1).
If you broke up over circumstances in your lives that are now behind you, then the relationship may have a healthy chance – but realize that life is full of crises and circumstances, and if you couldn't make it through them last time, you'll need a better strategy to ensure success in weathering them in the future.
How the two of you broke up – and your relationship since then – may also determine whether a reconciliation is possible, as well as how long it will take before trust is reestablished.
Don't Make Assumptions
Even if you're both interested in reconnecting and taking a new stab at your relationship, chances are you've both grown and changed in less than obvious ways. This may mean something as trivial as a new hobby, or your ex (or you) might have made personal changes that can affect your relationship – in positive or negative ways.
Don't make assumptions about who the person is based on who she was, or you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Don't Dismiss the Chance
Caution aside, if everything in your life and your heart are pointing you towards starting a new relationship with your ex, then don't allow sensible warnings to dissuade you from what feels right for you. Love is a gift; take it as such and be grateful for this second chance.
Reference
(1) Graber, Janna, "First Love: In Matters of Romance, Number One is Still Number One", Chicago Tribune, August 3, 1997.
The copyright of the article Still in Love with the Ex in Dating Advice is owned by Victoria Anisman-Reiner. Permission to republish Still in Love with the Ex in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
I still love my ex-boyfriend and we haven't been together like almost
2years and i still think about him i have dreams about him every-nite so i
love my ex-boyfriend
Oct 7, 2008 12:42 AM
Guest :
i broke up with my ex like two months ago but i think about him everyday.i
know i love him.
Oct 16, 2008 1:10 AM
Guest :
i still loving with my ex
Nov 10, 2008 6:03 PM
Guest :
i still love my ex. the complicated part is we were kinda young when we
dated so we didn't have sex, but a few years later we started having
friends with benefits sex. now he's with a girl who wants to wait until
marriage (won't happen he told me) and all i can think about is being with
him again. when we were together i was young and stupid and broke his
heart because i didn't know what i was doing. i just hope that someday
he'll give me another chance at his heart, not just his body.
Nov 12, 2008 3:59 PM
Guest :
it was my fault and his also.Im still loving him so much but there will
never had a good result or happy ending for both of us so better not be
back to gether. its really hard to move on totally after break up but time
heals everything then so just be patient and wait for time.Be always happy
everybody out there. Evian
Jan 21, 2009 11:46 PM
Guest :
My ex girlfrind and i got into a confussion, we were both 16 years old, i
loved her and ever since she left with my nefew, who was also our age,
said i never did love her and broke us up some how. he is marrierd to her
today.... we are 43 years old and we are talking about what went wrong with
our relationship.... we express our love to one another and how much we
missed each other...i'm going through a sepration and she is still married
to my nefew, but he is brushing her off and she is noticing it. they have 3
kids and i have 3 kids....they are all grown up in there 20s... i dont know
if this is normal but we never spoke to each other in about 20 years and we
are very nervous like were on our first date. it's been over 20 years and i
still feel the same about her maybe even more in love then i was then.
through all the years we were apart we said to each other there was not a
day we never thought about each other.....so i'm looking on the bright side
and hoping to get back my beautiful lady back.....
Feb 28, 2009 5:19 PM
Guest :
I still love my ex from 20 years ago. I've gone through two husbands but
see him for lunch once in a while after finding him 5 years ago. We are
still very compatible and only broke up because of the age difference back
then...I was 22 and he was 48. I am now 41 and he is 68. I still adore him
with all my heart and wish we could be together but I love my husband and
daughter.
Mar 14, 2009 10:07 PM
Guest :
I met him nearly a decade ago. Neither of us was ready for what we had
found in each other. I've met many other men, gone through other
relationships, even quite long term ones. There's never been one like him.
I'm so very glad I met him, he changed me in such amazing ways. I will
never doubt that we were meant to meet and touch one another's lives. I'm
terrified though that I will never have that with another man. I've tried
to make things work with others while never feeling that. It was unfair to
them and myself because he was never far from my thoughts or prayers. As
much as I hate to admit it, there's never been any other man I could truely
imagine spending a lifetime with. More than anything I miss the friendship
horribly. How does one get past that? Was it all a figment of my young
imagination, that I shouldn't expect to find again? I really don't mind
being alone now that I'm actually over the last guy I was with, but I don't
want to wake up alone in 35 years either, thinking that it was so very
silly to wait for that to come around twice... or come back around.
Mar 18, 2009 5:48 AM
Guest :
I STILL LUV MY EX THE COMPLICATED PART IS WE WERE YOUNG WHEN WE DATED SO WE
DIDN'T HAVE TIME.I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID AND BROKE HIS HEART,I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS DOING .KNOW HE'S NOT SERIOUS ABOUT BEING IN LOVE,AND ALL I THINK
ABOUT IS BEING IN LUV WITH HIM.I JUST HOPE THAT SOMEDAY HE'LL GIVE ME
CHANCE AT HIS HEART.
Mar 28, 2009 12:30 AM
Guest :
i had a college sweetheart, though we are not formally in a relationship
way back then, we both knew we had feelings for each other. We both
prioritize our education that's why. It's been 8 years since we part. I
think I have moved on, because I am currently in a relationhip. However, I
keep on comparing his qualities with my boyfriend but I have accepted the
truth that we are not meant for each other. Now, opportunity has given us
the chance to meet again. I longed to see him and ask how's life has been.
Now I am having doubts if I had really moved on. The thought of seeing him
again bring back the old feeling. I'm so confused..
May 17, 2009 8:05 PM
Guest :
I had a boyfriend over 20 years ago that I have never stopped thinking
about. I broke up with him mostly because I was going through some
stressful situations and couldn't handle him not being around for me...it
was a long distance relationship. I convinced myself that it wasn't meant
to be because he never tried to get me back. But I still wish I could get
him back. He never married, so I like to think he is just waiting for
me.
Jul 2, 2009 3:48 AM
Guest :
I was with my ex for 2 years his family was mine, mine was his. we broke up
1 year ago now and it upset me more. then he went through a stage were he
wanteded and needed me back, was totally in love with me but i was
experimenting the single life and at the time didnt want a relationship. we
both now have partners but i have noticed myself thinking about him ALOT! I
get amotional and feel that sense of love lingering. I think im in love
with him! What should i do?? Grrrr so confusing! :)
Sep 3, 2009 2:12 PM
Guest :
My ex and I were together when we just teenagers, and I got pregnant. He
cracked under the pressure, and we had a terrible break-up. He was my
first love, and I thought I could never forgive him for what happened. A
few years after we had our child he matured greatly became a wonderful
father and a good friend. It's been 10 years since we've been together and
both of us are more mature now. We've been thinking about giving it
another go. We still love each other and have the same life goals. I'm
nervous and excited at the same time. We'll se what happens.
Jul 29, 2008
