Is the Relationship Over?
Relationship Advice to Decide Whether He or She is the Right Partner
Jun 25, 2008
When your couple experiences difficulties it is often hard to step back and see the wider picture. Tender memories flood into your imagination alongside bitter reminders of the problems between you.
Is Love Always Enough?
If you are deciding whether or not you wish to remain with your partner during a relationship crisis, it is important to gain perspective to enable you to take the right decision. Even the happiest relationships have difficult times, and the most unsuitable partners can evoke sweet memories and genuine love. If there is turmoil in your difficult relationship it may not suffice to rely on your feelings alone when taking a decision.
No Magic Relationship Formula
There is no magic formula to help you understand with certainty whether he or she is right for you. But this technique may help you get a longer-term, more reliable view of the relationship. Carry this exercise out in writing, when you are feeling calm. Avoid periods when you are angry or very upset as you will find it difficult to be balanced and reasonable.
What You Need vs. What You Want
First, make a list of what you need in life, things that you need to either have, or have the freedom to work towards in order to be happy. For example, your list might include “a close group of friends and family nearby”, “quality time together at home”, though of course this list is very personal!
Then make a list of things you would like in life, but can live without and still be happy. For example your list might include, “travel” and “a busy social life”, or perhaps these items would appear in your needs list.
Can You Have What you Need with your Partner?
List the positive and negative qualities of your partner wherever these qualities relate to an item in your “wants” or “needs” list. Does your partner support you in meeting this need? Or perhaps he interferes in some way, even if unintentionally? For example if you need to meet up with friends regularly in order to be happy, but in some way your partner makes this uncomfortable for you, then you may feel unable to meet your need.
Does your Partner Meet Some of your “Wants”
Repeat the exercise with your wants. It may be that your partner supports you in meeting your needs, but not your wants. This is still a good basis for happiness in your relationship. However if your “wants” are met, but not your “needs” then there may be some more fundamental issues to consider in your relationship. Perhaps after enjoying a joint love of foreign travel, you discover more fundamental incompatibilities that make one or both of you unhappy.
No-one is Perfect - Is it Over?
Of course no-one is perfect, and this exercise should only be used to help gain perspective rather than as a failsafe answer to your relationship questions. However, if you find that you partner does not give you the support you need in meeting your fundamental needs then you have a basis for discussion with your partner, or for considering your future. And your course your partner has his or her own needs and wants; why not encourage him or her to do the same exercise?
In Summary
It is hard to get a clear view of your relationship during crisis, but by analysing your needs and wishes, and by taking a calm look at the qualities and weaknesses of your partner, this simple technique will help you gain valuable perspective on your relationship when you need it most.
References and Further Advice
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