You meet, you date, you break up (or, possibly you live together or get married). But what if one of you wants to stay friends afterward? Is that even possible?
It is possible to successfully pull off the “dating to friends” scenario, but it takes two special people and a fair amount of effort. If you’re thinking of staying friends with an ex, here are some points to consider:
How the Break Up Happened
The method in which you two broke up is an important indicator on whether you two will remain friends. After all, if one of you engaged in bad break up behavior you either won’t remain friends, or your newly developed friendship won’t last very long. If the person who initiated the break up wants to remain friends, it can be very difficult and almost cruel to the one who got dumped. After all, they may wonder why their ex couldn’t stand to be with them but now wants to hang out “as a friend.” Confusing.
What Went On During the Relationship
Friendships require the same amount of trust and kindness that relationships do. So if one of you cheated or abused the other, it’s unlikely a friendship will fare any better. The same applies for any reoccurring issues that just never seemed to go away. Even the smallest of slights, such as forgetting to call when you’re supposed to or ignoring your partner when you know they’re in a down mood, can carry over into your friendship. A friendship between two ex’s simply means they don’t have sexual feelings for each anymore. Any communication issues or problems, however, will remain.
Are the Two of You Really Over?
If any lingering feelings of love (or lust) remain with one of you, forging a friendship too soon will undoubtedly cause hurt feelings and misunderstandings. You can’t just immediately become friends if one of you hasn’t come to terms with the fact that your relationship has ended. Initiating this (whether you are the one who broke up or the one who still has feelings) is just plain cruel. Sometimes one partner will ask to remain friends simply because they like having someone around who adores them. But this type of friendship isn’t true, and in every case will come to an end once the other has found real love.
How Much Time Has Gone By?
There is a process that comes with getting over a break up. Once you and your former flame have successfully moved on, the two of you may be able to forge a successful friendship. However, you need to give it time and let it happen naturally. Sometimes couples are not willing to leave their friendship in the hands of fate. After all, they reason, if love didn’t blossom for them, why would a friendship be any different? But friendships ARE different, and that’s the point. So if you happen upon your former flame after you both are in a good place in your lives, keeping them around as a pal is a possibility. Saying “let’s stay friends” forty seconds after you break up won’t work.
The copyright of the article Staying Friends With An Ex in Dating Advice is owned by Cherie Burbach. Permission to republish Staying Friends With An Ex in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
I am still confused because although me and my ex are friends we have
admitted to each other we still have feelings for one another. We have not
tried it again though and I believe it is because deep down we both realize
that after the third try it is not meant or possible to be.
Nov 9, 2008 11:45 AM
Guest :
Dear Guest: From my experience, what doesn't work is a result of
unrecognized and unreleased feelings. Until those things happen, and you
have both figured out how your friendship has to be different, you will go
back on your old ways.
Nov 11, 2008 8:36 AM
Guest :
my boyfriend says he is still friends with his ex...i dont feel comfortable
about it because when we first met, he said i looked like someone, and it
just so happened to be this girl. he kept pictures of her even after we
met..not only that, he has her number on his phone and she's just
everywhere...facebook, emails. he claims they don't communicate...even if i
believe that. i still question, why is he still keeping her contacts.
i really don't know what to do???any suggestions.
Nov 19, 2008 10:45 AM
Guest :
My boyfriend, who has been my best friend before our relationship for 2 1/2
years, broke up with me a couple weeks ago as he felt that the love wasnt
there anymore. I have been devastated and cannot even seem to cope. Im
crying every day and cant even focus on my classes or work. We want to go
back to being best friends and I cant just cut ties with him because I feel
like I need him for support and all of our friends hang out at the same
place all the time so I will end up seeing him anyway. I hurt so much when
I do see him and I start to get paranoid, thinking that there is some other
reason for the breakup when he assures me that there isn't. I want to
believe him but after all of this it seems so hard to trust him. He seems
so distant and it kills me. How do I go about dealing with this. normally
I would just cut ties but In this case, I just cant! What do I do????
Dec 11, 2008 6:48 PM
Guest :
Only you can decide what to do.
Jan 6, 2009 3:53 PM
Guest :
My ex and I brokeup last month and we're friends. I enjoy being buddies
with him even though I only saw him once. The only problem is he didn't
want to tell me that it was over. I was on the phone when he didn't tell me
until 2 weeks later face to face.
Jan 24, 2009 11:28 PM
Guest :
my boyfriend just ended the relationships just a couple of days ago. He did
it face to face, I had no clue and I was confused . We were together for 2
1/2 years. This was our 3rd time getting back together and it didnt work.
We still have a conection though, but he said we were to immature for a
relationship.The thing i'm confused with is ever sinc the break up he has
been calling me and making plans to do things with me, but only important
stuff, for ex: like doing h.w. I'm so confused what to think because he did
the deed, but why is he acting like nothing happen. I dont know ehat to
think i want to be his friend but, thinggs can be very tricky.
Jul 26, 2009 10:51 PM
Guest :
I have this best friend who I have an emotional attraction to. She felt
the same, and as silly as this sounds we both like each other back in 2006.
She said she likes me and thought about me every night but then decided to
keep it on a platonic level. I was devastated because I wanted to take it
higher and try it out but our long distance hindered us from doing so.
Anyways then she would constantly tell me she misses me whenever we don't
talk as much and usually makes promises. I don't know if this is normal
and usually we discuss deep stuff only couples share. I can't fathom how
someone can level with me this way even though our relationship is so
platonic. And then talks about this guy she clings to but yet does not
agree to his ways. His ways are far different from hers, and I got
convinced that I'm a nice guy who finishes last and everytime she mentions
about the other guy, I try and back down but I feel guilty for backing out
and letting her get involved with him. And so I get into this relationship
with a coworker who I use as a rebound and then my coworker found out I was
using her all this time. She knew how hurt and sad I was and that I needed
her attention. Once she gave me all I want and needed, I come and go as I
pleased. Not only I played the nice guy last, I also played the jerk. I
know people will think I'm a jerk but the lesson here is especially men,
don't let women play with your emotions as they did with mine. And women
be weary of guys when they come around too often, or when they
indiscriminately compliment you or are always available. For both sexes I
speak these are deadly traps that will get you into emotional ruts.
Aug 11, 2009 1:33 PM
Guest :
im confused because although an ex couple may be able to hbe friends, what
happeneds when they start dating somebody. the new person will always
wonder if the person they are dating is really over there ex and ultimately
you will now have two exes...i hope this made sense
Sep 10, 2009 1:24 AM
Guest :
You should never stay friends with an ex. They are an ex for a reason and
should remain that in 'all' things.
In my own experience of
relationships and watching friends in theirs I have comcluded that ex's
simply can't be friends. If they were a friend before you dated them then
you have more of a chance of remaining friends, but one of you might see
the spark that attracted you in the first place and that is when the
problems start.
