Starting to date can be intimidating if you’re recently widowed, divorced, or just ending a serious relationship. Make it less daunting: develop a “dating philosophy” to help you feel more comfortable and more prepared.
To help you identify your dating philosophy, write down your concerns and your thoughts about how to deal with those concerns. Consider discussing them with someone you trust; another single person would be ideal. Role playing may be fun and may help you decide what to say or do.
Dating Takes Time
Figure out how much time you can and want to devote to dating. After a recently ended relationship , you may enjoy the new attention and get swept into spending more time than your life and circumstances can afford. Do you want to talk on the phone daily when you’re getting to know someone? Would you rather take phone calls only once or twice a week? Do you want to date often or occasionally?
Know your limitations. Again, imagine ways to bring them up. Think of what you will say when asked to make plans more frequently than you’d like. Consider how to suggest plans if the other party doesn’t. Some people are comfortable with proposing activities, while others aren’t. If you’re not but would like to, think of ways to approach the subject. Don’t feel silly practicing. You’ll be much more composed when you decide to say something.
Past Relationships
Consider how you will answer questions regarding your past relationship. Who ended it? Why? How long ago? If it’s a long story, come up with a synopsis; don’t give all the gory details in an initial discussion. You may choose to elaborate later. Or you may choose not to share any information. If so, decide on a polite but firm response, such as “I’m having a nice time; I’d rather not spoil it by discussing that.”
Physical and Emotional Intimacy
One of the most important things you’ll need to decide is how to handle emotional and physical intimacy. Are you ready to get back into a serious relationship, or do you want to keep things casual? You may already know the answer. If you don’t, start thinking about it. When you begin dating, you will eventually have to make that decision. By determining your boundaries ahead of time, you can set them from the start.
- Are you ready for physical intimacy? Just thinking about that may make you smile. Your answer is probably yes! If that’s the case, be smart—get tested and use protection. It doesn’t matter how nice the other party is; remember, you will be exposed to everyone they have been exposed to. Think about how you’ll handle matters like privacy, your children (if you have any), and overnights.
- Perhaps your answer is a resounding no! This position requires a firm yet polite response. Keep it simple; “I’m not ready for that yet” should suffice. Think of all the potential reactions to that statement and decide how you will counter each. A word to the wise: Don’t waste your time with anyone who doesn’t respect your choice.
- Is your answer maybe? This may be one of the most difficult issues to resolve. There’s no rush to make up your mind, but you need to determine how you’ll handle the situation until you do. Don’t let anyone persuade you into anything you aren’t ready for. And don’t talk yourself into anything you aren’t “really” ready for—use your intellect to make that decision, not your heart or your libido.
Your Personal Dating Philosophy
Have you figured out your dating philosophy yet? It may be something like this: I want to date casually; every couple weeks is enough. Short phone calls once or twice a week are great. I don’t want to date anyone exclusively. Don’t even ask about my ex! I’m still thinking about intimacy, so let’s get to know each other better first.
Once you’ve established a dating philosophy, you’ll be able to face the world of dating with confidence. In fact, your anxiety will be replaced with excitement and anticipation. Enjoy yourself. Stay focused. Have reasonable expectations. And if you begin to falter, remember your dating philosophy!
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